Submit me your voices, your legend,
Where the God of ancient pillars,
Crumbling red stone from his lips,
Smiled to his hands, loving, carnivorous.
A word, uttered from in-between
Of the pygmy brushes, perverted magic
Upon the wooden masks
Blistering sagged breasts -
Ailing pink, worth both artistic
And bridal commitments,
Blinking through tinted ivory.
And where earth caught his foot
And threw it back one more time
To her archenemy and continuation,
I stood, violent-cramping my throat,
Ready for home flights; instant messaging;
Another letter of revelation,
Or merely would-Be? Would.
Bee, bee, be! Me.
I enjoy how your writing paints pictures in my mind.
This certain peice: woods, moss, and a damp smell. Harsh woods, the kind that would mute your screams and swallow you whole as if you never existed.
|| Posted on 2009-01-13 00:00:00 | by EpsilonpsiiChi | [ Reply to This ] || Your opening lines become quite committed with the word 'carnivorous'. I will admit it is difficult to see how you may have started so strongly, though, it sets a tone to be followed with the following lines.|
Then, in lines 15-16, you seem to describe a visit, as if you are leaving a stranger, different place, and finally returning to your 'home'. The words 'instant messaging' dont seem to have too much to do with 'God of ancient pillars'...
An interesting piece of writing, I think perhaps a bit too complicated to understand without a bit of background information. When you look back at historic poets, read their writing, their letters, you can pinpoint portions of their life, and work towards an association of their writing. I see you left out a 'description', while not necessary, it always helps. Im sure you agree, it would be nice if a few more of those 30-odd people who have viewed your poem so far to have left a suggestion or comment.
All in all, great piece of writing, very provoking.
|| Posted on 2009-01-09 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ] |