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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Driving Forces that Claim usdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 295
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 588
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1912



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDriving Forces that Claim usdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The days are patient to the
    freckles of roses that drink in rich green forest
    For hours a sliver of dark grey falls on the brow of a happy rock
    the ignorance a cousin to bliss

    Down and across the web of space,
    fearful eyes watch
    they are the short breath of time and the hands of a clock
    Lingering perceptions of drafty houses and the idea of no home at all demand the body and the mind

    The human heart beats quickly to catch up to light
    it beats faster and faster to break through the barrier
    only to find that the gates here are strong and tall and fierce and shine solidly in the sun
    but it might stop
    cease to be motivated by fear
    and then slow down
    and settle

    Like the hips of a striding tiger
    ignorant grass grooves in the fields
    and always along with
    the turning of the earth

    cosmic forces turn the worlds and the plants and the suns
    ferns grow on the gears that grind on gears inside motion and three dimensional space

    the people are sick
    they bite their nails and tremble and take prescription medications
    and eat
    food that determines their medication

    spring bubbles as she is brought to a boil
    summer suns the faces of the women and they get cancer
    duality and buildings crumble as leaves fall
    winter has not yet arrived


    terrorist
    russians
    north korea
    hippies
    republicans
    democrats
    mothers
    fathers
    money
    greed
    the list grows longer
    we blame
    time


    a single tree still stands
    roots firmly planted in confident thankful soil
    the tree of life never runs out of time
    but dies gracefully when the sun goes down




    Submitted on 2008-08-31 01:38:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ooh. This one hit me. This one was way cool. The world is going on being as woderful as it always is while people obsess about labels, and their fears, and fight wars. That's what I got out of this.
    | Posted on 2008-10-05 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one of your weaker pieces.
    Your spelling/grammar faltered in this one though it's
    been top-of-the-line in recent pieces. This is only
    important because it makes this one feel rushed to me
    (though it may not be).

    Reading this, I know I can not critique stanza by stanza
    as most of these stanzas seem to be heavily dependent
    upon the other stanzas.

    S1:
    You're attempting to create a painting and I am almost
    to where I can see it, but then I lose it.

    Partly it's because the first line doesn't make sense to
    me. It does, but it doesn't. It does because I can see
    a forest dotted with roses and they are "drinking" as
    all plants "drink". But then I read it again and I feel
    it's unimportant.

    S2:
    We switch. You start with a nature scene then hop to a
    human scene.
    I get the sense that this stanza is the introduction to
    the "Driving forces that claim us", time being one of
    them. Everyone eyes the clock knowing their time is
    being cut every second and so they must hurry hurry get
    things done.

    Though, "the heart beats quickly to catch up to the
    light/but it might stop/and then slow down" suggests
    that despite the hurry that time drives us toward people
    do occasionally relax some and unwind.

    S3:
    I find no meaning here again. It's importance seems to
    be a contrast to the human drive. The natural world
    goes on in its calm, careful pace.

    S4:
    This goes out to the view of the universe. These
    "cosmic" forces move all the worlds, etc. You relate it
    to gears suggesting that the universe is more a machine
    than a thinking, organic thing. "and three dimensional
    space" seems unnecessary.

    S5:
    Here you return us back to the neurotic human beings who
    are so worried and harried that they "bite their nails
    and tremble and take prescription/medication" and that
    they eat. You suggest that the food determines their
    medication which could be a clever nod toward how
    obesity has become a thing people take medication for.
    Or just a less clever nod that our food affects us. In
    which case I suggest removing the eating part of this
    stanza.

    S6:
    This stanza made me smile because you found a way to
    work the seasons into this poem. Knowing you I would
    wonder if this wasn't more forced because you -wanted-
    them in there rather than needed them. But then I
    reconsider because

    This stanza works in how you present it. The second
    line in this stanza was exceptionally clever and became
    my favorite line in this for that alone.

    I will make a suggestion on the third line,
    "winter caresses their hair and they shiver" or
    something like that. "winter winds" is just a bit
    cliché the way you use it.

    The second and fourth lines of this stanza go along with
    the rest of the poem in their contrasting human life and
    nature. I feel that the "duality and" part of the
    second line would be better taken out.

    This isn't very clever, but, "a child springs from a
    young mother" would have been another way to do the
    fourth line without making the mentioned season as
    obvious. Though obviously my line is awkward.

    S7:
    I would remove this stanza. I could argue that it
    belongs in this piece, but I think I could make a
    stronger argument against this stanza. You
    unnecessarily add a contemporary situation to a piece
    that otherwise can stand outside what is happening -
    right now-.

    S8:
    Not counting S7, this is your weakest stanza. The tree
    of life is a cliché and while the imagery of this stanza
    is obvious and strong, I just don't feel it is strong
    enough. I would suggest leaning onto some mythology.
    Yggdrasil (the world tree of Norse myths) is a good
    example.

    I'd like you to at least rewrite this stanza either
    making use of my suggestion (not necessarily Yggdrasil,
    but you could try) or just coming up with something far
    more novel. I would be interested to see if you can
    improve this.

    Overall:
    It's a strong piece, but not a powerful piece. Do you
    understand what I mean? You express your point well and
    with largely original words/wording, but I don't think
    it has a lot of power to -do- something. Now I'm not
    sure what I mean. I just sound pretentious now.
    The piece is solid though I feel you have done better.
    | Posted on 2008-09-04 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    165128

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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