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    dots Submission Name: get out.dots

    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 29
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 632
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 205


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsget out.dots

    it's been awhile since

    i did this
    words on paper
    kind of suicide
    once my mind
    opens its windows
    anyone can see inside
    and i can't get out.

    Submitted on 2008-09-02 23:30:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The truth: read it, thought to myself, "yeah, that's the way it works."
    If I was going to give you a real comment, I would have to go and say "yeah, even if people see inside your head that dosen't mean they're going to comprehend it very well."
    | Posted on 2008-09-13 00:00:00 | by Mieko | [ Reply to This ]
      Love the title. In fact, the title makes the piece whole. At first, I felt it was a well-done yet typical teenage angst despair poem until I took a second look. The title is firm and direct and commanding. You're telling someone (presumably yourself) to get out in a strong way because it reflects the despair the character is feeling.

    I also like the solid line break you use at the beginning though I'm not sure why. Just keep it.

    I also like the length of the poem, but bear in mind, your words carry more weight the shorter the write. So you have to be ultra-picky about what you say.

    If there was something I'd change, I'd like exactly what put the character in this position or at least have some better idea. It paints a complete picture.

    Nice job again - hope all is going well with the new siginificant other. Me and mine are talking marriage!

    | Posted on 2008-09-09 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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