Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 208
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 771
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1254



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's so hard to put into words what you mean to me
    To try and explain how you make me feel.
    I've had my doubts and fears and moments of indecision
    But never once questioned if it was real.
    You've given me a sense of purpose
    When I was only flailing about
    I had no idea what I was missing
    With one look in your eyes, I figured it out
    Now I could go on for hours
    About your touch, your kiss, your hands
    And how you've made me a better person
    With your unquestionable demands
    All I really know is that I love you
    More than anyone or anything
    That I'd give up everything to be with you
    Regardless of what the future brings
    I give you my unrelentless devotion
    Every piece of my foolish heart
    Because every moment without you is a torture
    Of which I want no part
    I want to spend my entire life by your side
    To share every failure and every success
    To hear your laughter as we run through existence
    And feel your arms around me at rest
    So please stay with me on my journeys
    As we watch reality unfurl
    I need nothing but your love
    You are my world.




    Submitted on 2008-09-03 12:26:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      These sentences could have been

    "All I really know is that I love you" - "All I really know is that I love you for"

    "To hear your laughter as we run through existence" - "To hear your voice as we run through existence"

    Thoughts:
    Well then this was more like the poem that goes on and on and on. I know that is your style and I am not saying its bad but it would be great if there was some stop somewhere.

    e.g. Lets take your poem itself.

    "...Now I could go on for hours
    About your touch, your kiss, your hands
    ...."

    Modified:
    ...Now I could go on for hours
    your touch, your kiss, your hands,
    ask me to love you not, life bleeds in itself...

    Then

    "And how you've made me a better person
    With your unquestionable demands
    All I really know is that I love you
    ..."

    That little burst in continuation is actually nice to read. Try it out in the next poem that you write. You will like it.

    Other than that this was a good one. Write some description about him. It will make the flow more romantic cause I prefer to read the description first and then the poem.
    | Posted on 2008-09-03 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    165240

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    The World written by jjd
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    untitled written by Outlaw
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry