Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

To You


Author: Raivn
ASL Info:    33/f/al
Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222 /916 /231
Words: 199
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1828
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1219



Description:


Sigh...


To You



I'll start this off by saying "I love you"
Because I could never say it enough
I'll give up everything to stay with you
And I'll follow you to the ends of the earth
I wish I had all the knowledge
And the perfect thing to say
To make you sure that this is good and real
And the very best way.
I know we have our doubts and problems
But we have something worth fighting for
If it was easy, it wouldn't be real
You and I are so much more
Our differences make us real
Our passion makes us burn
There are so many things about one another
From which we both can learn
I can put aside this pain
And you can look beyond my past
And we can both be something better
And I know that this can last
There's a reason we're together
And that's because we need to be
I don't know what I am to you
But you're the one who set me free
So, let's chase our dreams together
And never give up without a fight
Battle what threatens to tear us apart
Because we are everything that's right




Submitted on 2008-09-03 12:27:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I realise that this is the kind of love poem that has been reiterated billions of times but it never seems to get old, I only hope it's real and not based on something you want and don't have.

MSS.
| Posted on 2008-09-05 00:00:00 | by MornSweetSong | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry, but this just feels like love poem 101.
There isn't anything new or interesting about it.
The content isn't the type of thing to excuse the lack of interesting imagery or wording.

I do like the first line because it made me think, "This poem is going to be honest and self-aware of what it is", but then you continue with just a basic love poem.

"To make you sure that this is good and real"
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong about this sentence, but when I read your poem in my head and out loud this is the only sentence that feels awkward to me.
Suggestions:
"To prove that this is good and real"
"To make you sure this is real."
"To show you this is real."

My suggestions aren't special, but I don't feel that this poem displays your full ability either.

I agree with keestu that there's no intensity, no appreciation, no admiration. This is just a long statement.

As far as rhyme, if you were to revise this, toss all the rhyme. "Our passion makes us burn/There are so many things about one another/From which we both can learn" is one glaring example of why.

Instead of these vague statements give us something to look at. Give us something to feel. As it is, this poem can only really be interesting to just the person who it is written for and even then for the ego boost it gives rather than for the beauty of the piece.

Tell what you can learn. Show us what makes you different and how you reconcile that. "Our passion makes us burn" how? Why? Otherwise the line is cliché. Show what makes it difficult, show what makes it worth it. All I get from this piece is that you think the relationship is worth it, but not why it is worth it.
It feels more like a desperate plea rather than an exultation of love...

I suppose this isn't a very kind comment, but I know you can do better than this and I'm disappointed.
| Posted on 2008-09-04 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
  This was written very well. The flow was a little rocky but other than that it was very nice. I liked how the emotion was seen clearly. I'm glad you found someone to write such beautiful poetry about. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading

»Haely«
| Posted on 2008-09-03 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I did not feel any forced rhyme even though it has some but nice work.

It was wierd to see I love you at the very beginning of the sentences most would prefer it at the end.

Thoughts:
Well It makes me think of someone i admired. Unfortunately as i go by the poem I could not feel any intensity(this is because there is no appreciation anywhere in the poem) and love (this is because there is no admiration.)

What i mean is the below

Admiration - you are beautiful
appreciation - even winds will stop blowing just by your eyes moving around

Well then hope this helps.
| Posted on 2008-09-03 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



165241