Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: We Had Never Metdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: entropy
    ASL Info:    19 / M / TN
    Elite Ratio:    3.25 - 8/10/11
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 542
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 624



    Description:
       I had originally posted this a while back in a different format. Someone suggested a better format in a comment and I decided to use that. I also added a bit more.

    It's short, but I hope it gets the point across.

    Comment with anything and everything. I'm looking to improve my style.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWe Had Never Metdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Everything was as it should be.
    No trash in the stream, at least that we could see.

    No haze on the horizon.
    It was stored in our lungs from the time we were young
    -and as we spoke it arose from our tongues.

    We've cured it all, no physical pain
    We stand here, now with nothing to gain.

    Children born, never to die
    In their bed's they lie for their eternal lives.

    You stand alone, the epitome of perfection.
    The crown jewel of humanity's collection.

    But in my dream-
    ...we had never met.




    Submitted on 2008-09-03 13:13:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like what you were going for. the horizon, the utopia that was all in a dream. I liked the remorse in the end, and the conviction the you would give it up all for the fact that in the perfect world, your significant other is not there. but I also feel like there should be one more stance right before the line " but in my dream..." just to tie it all together, but that could just be me. any who all and all I liked it. peace!
    | Posted on 2008-09-04 00:00:00 | by hidden lady | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    165242

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Love written by saartha
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Every..... written by jackz
    Cover written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Fasade written by jackz
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    AI written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    untitled written by ShyOne
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry