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    dots Submission Name: When You...dots

    Author: insphered soul
    ASL Info:    19/M/ Hmmm?
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 450/382/94
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 934
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 547

       Funny how inspiration comes to you after you've made your resolve.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen You...dots

    When you think of me
    do you picture some wacko
    obsessed with talking to you
    and knowing that you're safe?

    When you see me
    does your body burn
    with the passion and desire
    from looking into my eyes?

    When you talk to me
    are your words tripping
    off of your lips
    stumbling meaning everywhere?

    When you're in the same room as me
    can you look into my eyes
    open your mouth
    and tell me how I'm supposed to feel?

    Submitted on 2008-09-03 23:32:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    that kind of hits home. Well, part[s] of it do[es], that is.


    First of all, i agree with NightCrawler's observations about the second and third stanza's

    Second of all...do you really want me to answer that?


    It's nice to see you writing again. It's been a while.

    | Posted on 2008-09-05 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      Foremost, there is a line worthy of praise for its great imagery:

    "are your words tripping off of your lips
    stumbling meaning everywhere?"

    Second, I had a little trouble with the second stanza. Perhaps it just needs a grammatical correction where it says "with the passion and desire of looking into my eyes." It may read easier if you used 'from' instead of 'of.'

    Now for the thoughts you requested. ^_^ I would ask you to forgive me if I respond too personally to your work, but that's what writing is supposed to do: evoke such feelings, right?!

    The first feeling this poem evoked in me was pressure. Great pressure, actually. Pressure from the 'wacko' for me to make known what i feel towards him. Pressure from the 'wacko' to feel the same way toward him what he feels toward me. Although I thought it was introduced too soon, the words 'wacko' and 'obssesed' were skillful choices that helped me to become more emotionally engaged.

    When I got to the stanza with the brilliant imagery, my heart began to melt a little. After all, if a person were talking to you, you wouldn't need to ask them if the words were tripping off their lips. ;-) The fact that he even asked such a question, I perceived, is a crack in his portrayal as an 'obssessed wacko' because it carried a more self-accusing tone, like he was trying to tell me that that is the effect I have upon him. So, for a second, he was a man deeply affected and just longing to reciprocate.

    My melting heart began retracting in fear at the fourth stanza though, because the 'obessessed wacko' came back out swinging full force, stopping just short of demanding that I be able to tell him what he's supposed to feel.

    An emotional roller coaster! Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2008-09-04 00:00:00 | by NightCrawler | [ Reply to This ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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