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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: gunshot weddingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 881
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1249



    Description:
       "As I Lay Me Down To Sleep" by Sophie B. Hawkins.

    so the term "gunshot" wedding usually implies some expediency on the marital vows, correct? these two do need to be hitched quick, but they're happy about it.

    rope, gold coins and a special veil is used in some catholic wedding cermonies to symbolize bonds and blessings.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsgunshot weddingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    cobblestone disappearing under loping barefoot steps,
    bringing her closer to the aging wooden garden gate
    he laughingly holds open for her.
    tiny uprooted mosses have found sanctuary
    in the crevices between her toes, and the sensation
    only makes the joyful, stolen moment more real.

    an old stretch of rope, faded gold coins and twisted twines
    of purest silver hammered into twin rings he strangles in
    his hands, eager for the beautiful mess racing towards him;
    no witnesses besides the withered organist and her husband,
    no family but the one budding inside her love-filled womb.

    the pale yellow dress was a dime store bargain,
    her frothy diaphanous veil a hand-me-down treasure found
    in the attic trunks of his long dead grandmother.
    the three blossoms crowning her long wild sunrise hair
    still have morning dew and earth clinging
    to their white rose petal undersides;

    something old, something new ...

    the blue of his eyes which will be her own in minutes
    she has claimed prematurely; and it's on borrowed time of
    an old irish priest that they two will soon be one ...




    Submitted on 2004-07-06 19:20:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Just when I start to think that I can not be suprised and amazed and completely stunned, I go and read another of your writings. I don't even feel worthy of complimenting them much less giving feedback. Why haven't you been published?
    | Posted on 2005-04-06 00:00:00 | by redthewitch | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very sweet and brought me visions of a young love romping barefoot in a garden of beautiful scented flowers. very innocent and tender this is. i was just searching around for a nice poem today and here i find this sweet little gem. thanks!
    | Posted on 2005-01-26 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I had to make this a fave, as i just like reading it. It has all the things I like---flora, fauna, celebration, milestones, love, humor,--all told in a fairy tale tone.
    I loved the couple's playfullnes, and yet their adherence to the ritual--"doin' it up right on a shoestring, a wing and a prayer. I can picture them so clearly--this is truly a gem--my kinda earthiness --thanks so much for submitting--and leave some honey fro your Muse--she is a gem! Silver
    | Posted on 2004-07-29 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a gentle, beautiful piece. It's young and hopeful and feels like forever, even though now it rarely is.

    The borrowed and blue was creative and somehow heartbreaking at the same time. I don't know why.

    I'm a barefoot girl, too, and in fact think I will not wear shoes to my wedding (or white flip-flops maybe, but probably not), so those images were especially neat - almost like the earth herself had been a guest at the wedding.

    ~ Niphredil
    | Posted on 2004-09-23 00:00:00 | by Niphredil | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. I find that the ending improves with further reading... However I do still find the phrasing of it somewhat hard to grasp. One long sentence like that makes it confusing, although to you as the poet it probably doesn't seem that way. I still think 'these two will soon be one' is quite obvious, but there's no harm in saying it anyway if you want to. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-07-08 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is really beautiful... I find the last stanza lets it down a bit, though... I don't know if that's just me. I think it's that 'these two will soon be one' statements are an obvious thing to say in a poem about a wedding, so I felt a bit indifferent towards that ending: I think you have the ability to say this more eloquently. That all just refers to the last stanza. The rest I love, especially the bit about the baby, the rings, the 'beautiful mess'. It's really joyful and perfectly romantic. I've never been the type to dream about weddings but this gives even me a fuzzy glow. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-07-08 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a gem. I think I would care for the first line better with a small shift in syntax, loping, barefoot steps. Although I don't agree that laughingly holding the gate is any problem, happily holding would get a little alitteration going at that point.
    The earthiness is enchanting, moss in the toes, flowers in the hair still wet with dew. One small thing however, I always had the connotation of shotgun wedding as one where the brides family forced the young man to "do right by her" and this is all too willing, actually an elopement, isn't it? But the title does give a good hint at what is going down, and again, so earthy, so beautiful. My wife and I weren't expecting, but this is about how my emotions were running that August day 29 years ago.
    Glad I got to read it,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-07-07 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      "something old, something new ...

    the blue of his eyes which will be her own in minutes"

    this is a wonderful transition that delicately balances respect for tradition while still bucking in the face of it...i love the idea of this...i for one hold little stock in traditional huge marriages...they can be nice and fun, and if it's your thing, by all means...but for me it's all about the union of two people...not ceremony and pomp, but the joyous moment of unification between two souls...and the inclusion of nature, from the moss to the dew and fresh picked flowers really ties it together...male and female joining is the nature of, well, nature...and these two are already on their way...they are getting married for themselves, and that is beautiful...

    "tiny uprooted mosses have found sanctuary
    in the crevices between her toes, and the sensation
    only makes the joyful, stolen moment more real."

    i had to point this out...i'm a barefoot kinda guy, and i love the feel of grass or moss or puddles seeping up...you feel really connected to the ground...

    "laughingly" didn't quite ring for me...words like that, ingly, never seem to sound right to me...but this was a lovely poem that strays the usual, and if it works for you, it works for me...
    excellent Grace

    james
    | Posted on 2004-07-07 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful. soooo beautiful. and unlike your usual style, so i commend you on the success of it.

    and the sensation
    only makes the joyful, stolen moment more real.

    i love that. it's the perfect sensation so many people try to describe and fail miserably at. it reminds me of moments when i feel so wonderfully alive, then pause and memorize a tiny, specific little piece that comes to symbolize the whole.

    twisted twines
    of purest silver hammered into twin rings he strangles in his hands, eager for the beautiful mess racing towards him;

    this reminds me of one of my favorite songs... and one of the happier times in my life- that exaultant wispy happiness that races blindly ahead, welcoming grief and happiness, tragedy and comedy within its arms.

    the happiness of it all almost makes me sad. yet the hope of it makes me not a little melancholy. pandora's box-beautiful.
    | Posted on 2004-07-07 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      I've never heard the song but thought this was a great romantic narrative. You worked all the elements in to creat a happy wedding..even the somthing borrowed something blue...the couple is in love and has nothing but hope for the future.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-07-06 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      i think i get it..the rush of the wedding is the 'no family but the one budding inside her love-filled womb' part right? i like the way your describing the wedding...i can see them there..the only ones in the place..but the love is so strong...i like it..its good
    | Posted on 2004-07-06 00:00:00 | by butterflygirl13 | [ Reply to This ]
      maybe my song is ruining it. it doesnt make sense to me. it doesnt make sense when you listen to 'talk shows on mute' by incubus. a confusing song and a confusing poem mixed to give one confused me. i get there is a wedding and som ething to do with some outside place. but it didnt make sense to me. but there are some good descriptions. the opening line was especialy cool. but it didnt make much sense to me. but then again this coment doesnt make sense either. anyways i will shut up now
    | Posted on 2004-07-06 00:00:00 | by nameless_nobody | [ Reply to This ]
      ...the wedding of a dancing satyr and a woodnymph the joining of earth and moon and all stops inbetween.
    Yes there are always bits and pieces of a poem that will stand deconstruction and reconstruction and being faffed around with.
    This is not one of those because there's some sort of magic in it a river running through it if that makes sense because the joy pervades and prevails regardless.
    Deliriously happy two be joined and on the borrowed time of a priest...
    Pixie dust in my eyes.
    Special and with the power to make a warm smile.
    K
    | Posted on 2004-07-10 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      baby i love this! i love the barefoot thing youve got going on here and how you have the traditions of marriage - something old something new something borrowed something blue yet the whole poem almost defies it all too... i love his blues eyes becoming hers... GORGEOUS! a coupla years back i was really really sad and i was at an Op Shop and i saw the most gorgeous bridal veil EVER! and i just HAD to buy it and i went home and put it on and did the dishes... i could SO just see me in your poem with the veil of the grandmothers... hehe... this is a gorgeous write girlee! absolutely gorgeous!
    | Posted on 2004-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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