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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The First Tastedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mojymo
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 50/59/41
    Words: 373
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2317



    Description:
       The title was taken from Fiona Apple's song "The First Taste" on the album "Tidal." The cherry chapstick part was from Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" song on the album "One of the Boys." WARNING: Sexual content between 2 females. If you can't handle it, DON'T BE STUPID and read the damn thing! Enjoy! :) (My biggest thanks goes out to alexboy. The best critic I've ever met so far!)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe First Tastedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The first taste of her,
    glossed in a smothering of cherry chapstick
    on smooth, heart-shaped lips…
    My hands struggle to unhook her bra.
    Laughter at my inexperience
    tumbles from her lips like
    bed sheets of silk rolling to the floor
    in a heap where we
    tossed them off the bed.
    She lets me touch her where I please,
    my eager hands overflowing with excitement,
    my breath burning the air
    when we part lips to take a breath.
    Shivers dance along my vertebrae in skin slippers.
    My eyes widen at the sight of her naked,
    her pale body arousing the bird of passion within me.
    I become wet at the sight of her parted lips
    and vibrant green eyes flashing with a violent glimmer.
    This side of her scares me for a moment,
    and I hesitate before pulling her into my arms.
    Our breasts meet, their pink tips kissing
    like our lips. She locks one leg around me,
    the other between my legs, parting them
    enough to slip her fingers inside me. I
    let out a sigh, catching my breath in my mouth
    before her lips pull away.
    She giggles at the look on my face, and
    it slips out from her lips in a thrilled rush.
    Her fingers move inside me,
    and I let out a moan of pleasure.
    Her lips catch mine, and we are once again
    leaping over the edge of the world
    as she pushes me back onto the bed,
    kissing my neck, her mouth traveling further down
    until her lips meet my entrance and her tongue
    slides into me, hot and wet against
    my pleading flesh. In seconds,
    her name is rising from my lips;
    my heart thrashes against its cage, trying to keep up
    with the pleasure coursing through my veins.
    The final moment crashes into me,
    and for that single, sensual moment,
    I feel every nerve, every vein, every hair,
    pore, tissue, muscle...coming to life...

    I awake at dawn to the sound of her soft breathing,
    her head tucked in the curve of my arm,
    her cheek resting on my curving breast,
    her arm draped over my stomach, fingers
    curled around my waist,
    and the first taste of her lips still sleeping on my tongue.




    Submitted on 2008-09-06 02:47:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I thought this was a good rewrite, better than the first.

    I felt you expressed yourself in a more imaginative, creative way and the extra length seems to have improved the piece, as opposed to just adding filler.

    One line I'm not keen on: "intoxicated by her lethality"...I don't think this works at all. Also, I'm not keen on the word "intoxicated" as I think it's overused. I think a metaphor would work really well here. Sorry to nitpick!

    But, yeah, this is definately an improvement, not that it was bad before, and I'd say this is a decent piece. It's a shame others haven't left comments on this. I know it's erotic, but all genres need feedback!

    Well done.

    | Posted on 2009-07-27 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      Right then. Well I'm gonna be brave and leave a comment on this.

    I thought this was pretty good. Liked your use of imagery...

    The only criticism I have would be I felt it was a bit clichéd in places: "intoxicated by her perfume"; "shivers race up my spine at her tender touch";"my eyes widen"; "arching my back"...I think these feelings could be conveyed in a more original way. However, this is a fairly minor thing, I don't want to sound petty.

    So, yeah, pretty good!
    | Posted on 2009-07-06 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    165341

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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