Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: bugdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: discombobulated
    ASL Info:    26/m/nz
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 81/63/24
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Prose/Fuck it all
    Total Views: 1073
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1456



    Description:
       blah.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbugdots
    -------------------------------------------




    to fly to london,
    read books by kafka
    and voltaire
    and argue over
    the insubstantialness
    of what justifies love and life
    under cherry blossoms in osaka
    and wattle trees in darwin
    we'll take shade under
    hopeful
    and utterly
    free.

    no-one waits for strangers at bus-stops.
    vultures will steal your bags before this comes to pass.
    the apocalypse is stained with belief and rhetoric
    i've seen on the pavement
    beneath bulldozed fields raised to ceres and isis
    and forgotten earth mothers with different names,
    beyond shells and beads made of amber and citrine:
    hematite for the blood, diamonds for clarity,
    turquoise for endless sea
    rising up.

    i carve words. you sing. i dance.
    you walk circles and call it a journey for squares.
    i cartwheel on sand, sink fingers under
    to be bitten by crabs. you hold a tambourine
    and threaten to ring
    the silliness away.
    of ocean and banshees.
    horns and goatskin drums.
    the futility of luck waltzing through my door.
    the scent of chalky cliffs in dover
    i'll never see.

    where are the floods i've seen?

    wash over me.

    ___________________________________________________________




    Submitted on 2008-09-07 07:02:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      S1
    L1-6: While the London bit loses me I think of Kafka and Voltaire as two (at times) confusing/philosophical writers. Having read less Kafka than Voltaire, I can not be too certain on that. But those two seem to relate to "the insubstantialness/of what justifies love and life". At the same time they don't.
    The fact that Kafka is sometimes considered part of the existensialists and based upon the views I think they hold and share with me, the insubstantialness part could relate to the idea of life being meaningless beyond what we make it. So then what justifies anything we do? I don't know if you were going for that idea or not.
    Those two lines (5,6) are interesting in that they seem poignant and ambiguous. A lover trying to explain his frustration to another lover is what I think when I read them. Trying to explain such things would be as confusing as trying to completely get Voltaire/Kafka on a first read.

    L7-12: Thinking of it as a lover to a lover the various places mentioned sound like a romantic fantasy spoken to win the heart of someone in doubt, perhaps. The "hopeful/and utterly/free" under the shade I can relate to. That's all I can say on that.

    S2:
    L1: This line makes little sense to me. My mind creates an image of someone reading and waiting for they-don't-know-what at a bus stop. They're daydreaming, thus the material that follows this line in the stanza.
    But it also makes me think of Waiting for Godot yes? Which would further support the existentialist strain I mentioned earlier.

    Ceres and Isis are interesting choices. I understand them to be mother figures in mythology and I know Ceres is a goddess of agriculture (cereal deriving its name from her). Interesting "and forgotten earth mothers with different names" in that all "earth mothers" of worship share many characteristics and most of what makes them unique is simply where they're worshipped and what they're called.

    This entire stanza makes me think of the ridiculousness of religious wars and arguments. The earth mother mention brings to my mind the disagreements over semantics between religions rather than what is actually the god/dess. I only think this because of the third line in this stanza.

    The amber/citrine/hematite/diamond/turquoise bit lost me. I understand the symbolism and meanings associated with them, but it just seems you're stating those associations rather than making a real use of them. I may just not be catching on to what you're going for with their mention. Since this is a "fvck-it-all" type poem I can only figure you don't care to change it and perhaps the whole point of these is to be nonsensical. If I view it along the existensialist vibe I'm feeling, I could understand them in an absurdist sense... I think.
    Though, "turquoise for endless sea/rising up" makes me think of anger and volatility and just a general fvck you feeling.

    S3:
    I honestly can not come up with anything for this stanza. Completely lost here. It's either so straightforward and I'm expecting more, or based so deep into something I either don't know of, or can't know of (personal experiences of yourself).
    This stanza is mostly simple enough to suggest the simplicity that can be found at times in love.

    S4-5:
    I have this thing kicking me in the back of my mind. Like I've heard or seen this before. Maybe just thought of it. Maybe my brain just wants to have an idea, but again, same as S3.
    Great floods and drowning? Hold your breath!

    Overall:
    I'm either reading too much into the beginning and thus over analyzing the last as well. I gather a lot of interpretations with poetry and usually go with the one I like the best
    So general feelings:
    Person speaking of what they want to do with a lover.
    Person speaking of a desire to see the world, but feeling held back by someone or something.
    Person read too many books and now they all collide in a big can of a short poem creating an amalgamation of images and thoughts that will be picked up by various individuals.

    All I know to say is that this poem impresses me. Which bothers me because I'm not even sure I should be impressed when I don't know what it's about. Though I'm a fan of just aesthetic writing and it at least looks good if nothing more.
    | Posted on 2008-09-15 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      A depressed jumble of physical landmarks, ancient deities, philosophers, and nature. Excellent! I expect nothing less from the great and mighty J. Hmmm..."[censored] it all", eh? Somehow, no matter how sad or desperate this piece seems, I hardly think it calls for or suits that descriptor. Wonderful piece, you long-haired gnome. ~Asiaticfox
    | Posted on 2008-09-09 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      wash over me

    Makes me think... oceanic feeling - losing your tiny self in something big and mighty.




    If a bug fell in the ocean it would get eaten by a smelly fish, or float dead on the surface lame and invisible.



    If, like that fellow in Kafka, you woke up a bug.


    In an ocean.


    You're [censored]ed.




    But sometimes, a lot of the time, it's great to be [censored]ed.
    | Posted on 2008-09-07 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a fantastic piece first of all for the cleverness and the imagery. It paints a lovely portrait. Looking closer,


    "the insubstantialness
    of what justifies love and life"

    This is a fabulous debate, one I have argued many times with myself and with others. It is difficult to know the degree of justification to accept. There are fine lines to go over and with those lines, rules. Rules that no one wants to accept.

    "we'll take shade under
    hopeful
    and utterly
    free."

    This sounds like an allusion to my life. It's so familiar I would almost accuse you of being there. The metaphor of shade has manifested itself in my life, in a similar situation it would appear.

    "no-one waits for strangers at bus-stops.
    vultures will steal your bags before this comes to pass.
    the apocalypse is stained with belief and rhetoric
    i've seen on the pavement
    beneath bulldozed fields raised to ceres and isis "

    I find this part very interesting. I think I understand the references. I suppose this is to give character to the female aspect of the debate. There isn't any clear bias either way as far as I can see. In the beginning you might be suggesting that the speaker is in a position of waiting on this character, and that they have more to lose in waiting.


    "you walk circles and call it a journey for squares."

    This is an endearing line. I love it. This is just incredible. I am superstisious about circles first of all and obsessed with the implications that geometry has on our physical world, and then you apply this to the lovers debate. It's just wonderful. Like there is yet another reflection in art to manifest a very natural tendency for the two to meet. It's a rendevouz between these figures and the pun of "squares" is so cute.

    And then we find that the male displays devotion and literally puts all his effort into the chance that he may face of being with her. He turns cartwheels, a clever allusion to circles, that the journey in itself is something he wants even if there is no reward in sight. Luck seems to be intertwined to suggest that the universe itself is at random and up to chance and that humanity is in the position of control. Or thats what I see I guess because I want to.

    Well.

    This was fantastic. This was refreshing. Great great great.



    | Posted on 2008-09-07 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    165382

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry