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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: shes his heroin [Final]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: every48seconds
    ASL Info:    25/M/toronto
    Elite Ratio:    3.32 - 123/163/129
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 476
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1455



    Description:
       Needs a lot of work, so I'll come back to it

    There I'm done now, hope y'all like, and thank Dot for the revision and help!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsshes his heroin [Final]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    She's Like Heroin [Final Hopefully]

    And as he held upon her lips for the very last time
    He felt the chill of the air as her skin retracted from his own
    He felt empty, just as he had the first time
    When that beautiful substance parted with him one day
    As he was then he is now, alone
    Lost without what she, what it provided
    Life, Love, Acceptance and Comfort
    It flew as liquid, she as touch
    Both through the veins and under what the human world could've seen
    This was life, the daily ritual in which he commited himself to
    Work was started to feed this addiction, this need
    He took her anywhere
    From the childhhood park to the alleyways
    Even behind the schools
    She flowed through him in a way no other drug could

    But now, within the summer solstices' full passing
    She extracts all that was supplied
    Quickly without warning nor preperation
    And as all men without their prescription
    He feels lost
    The attempt to speak on feeling on to let lose past indulgence,
    The lack of sleep spent loking for a replacement, only to push it away
    All becomes to great a feeling to bear
    Alone, clean yet longing to feel sullied
    His body resorts to exile, as the mind searchs for comfort
    Forever torn he shall be
    For she was his heroin





    Submitted on 2008-09-09 22:50:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Sorry. Blank comment wasn't meant to be posted lol.

    So, I like the overall aspect your taking on this writing.

    She to he was heroin to man[.]
    [when you compare something it is better to make both sides of equal importance.]

    Such as the situation
    Of man to withdraw,
    ["such is" doesn't flow so well. parts of this writing is choppy while others flow. on this piece, i would suggest going a little more choppy because it is a harsh subject.]

    Not by choice[,] but by heart stopping.
    [alright, i know, bad comparison, but try something different than a needle. maybe something everyone can relate with.]

    Now, my position, being the bystandard forced to care,
    I watch as a man is slowly snapped...
    [go on into more detail with this statement. it would help the reader picture this poor dissolving man disappear.]

    His heroin, lost.
    [sometimes less words flow better.]

    Hidden within the withdrawal phase,
    he'll do what we knows, or believes to know best
    [again, be careful with flow.]

    Sorry if my review was a little harsh, but i am only trying to help. Your main thing is the flow of things. If you start a writing out choppy, finish it choppy. I believe choppy is best with morbid poetry. The reader will read it quicker that way. They may even have to go back and re-read it, just to be sure of what your really saying. I really hope I didnt offend you.
    Oh and if my spelling was horrible lol please look through it. Thank you. Also, thank you for the rockin awesome poem!

    Dot G.


    | Posted on 2008-09-10 00:00:00 | by Dot | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2008-09-10 00:00:00 | by Dot | [ Reply to This ]


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