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... Lucas watches his love sit in his quiet hospital bed and sheds a tear "its been a good year (sniffle) hasn't it Derrek" he knew he couldn't hear him but he knew he felt him. Derrek finally comes out of the coma and musters out "kiss me once more please" he moves in and preses his soft lips to him and pulls back. "now unplug this machine" "what no i can't kill you i love you' "if you love me you won't let me live this way please" "i love you more than anything" "and I love you" "goodbye..." he whispered and unplugged it. his death was so painful for Lucas to see. watching him jerk and gasp with airlessness. yet when he was gone he looked so peaceful. he kisses him once more "goodbye... forever" he left.
| wow you fixed it up already. i am impressed. it does sound alot better.|
|| Posted on 2008-10-13 00:00:00 | by grimmreaper | [ Reply to This ] || The starting is good, but the story it self needs more. You need more story, and you need more discription. And another thing that can help, is that when the person is talking, you line up the qotes like this:|
"What no I can't kill you I love you"
"If you love me you won't let me live this way...please"
"i love you more than anything "
"And I love you"
That way its not so confusing as to who is talking.
And maybe if you put in more discription when they are talking, describe more how they are feeling when they talk, that way we are not just reading what they are saying, but we are feeling it to. This peice has alot of potenital in it, just fix it up a bit. I hope that I didn't offend you with my tips. I just want to help out a bit
|| Posted on 2008-10-13 00:00:00 | by grimmreaper | [ Reply to This ] |