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    dots Submission Name: | HaNdS |dots

    Author: Ceyx
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 111/107/81
    Words: 415
    Class/Type: Poetry/Them
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2488


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    dots| HaNdS |dots

    These hands are numb and cold as if I was left out in the snow
                        but these are not snowflakes; they are ashes in the breeze
    These hands are raw and bloody as if grated upon splintered wood
                        but these are not splinters; they are needles going in
    These hands are black and blue as if I were abusing you
                        but it is not your face I strike; it's the reoccurring ghost of you

    Courtly castles made of sand fall in between your fingers

    No matter how well made; they will crumble all the same

    The tide washes in and soon smoothes over their ruins

    And now no one could tell that they were ever there at all

    These hands are dry and cracked as if they've never seen the night
                        but this is not the desert sun; it is a raging funeral pyre
    These hands are used and broken as if stuck in between the gears
                        but this is not a well-oiled machine; it's your redundant smile
    These hands feel idle and severed as if I were an amputee
                        but this is just an illusion; because my hands are choking me...

    Submitted on 2008-09-14 04:08:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      it stirs things deep with in the darkest parts of me. i absolutely loved every thing about this poem. i loved the architecture, the repetition. i love the desperate hate and longing of that icy idol who's silence cuts like the sharpest knife.

    fu<king love ett

    aka FAVORITE
    | Posted on 2009-02-05 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      I do like the different structure, but maybe you should put <I>"Needles going in"</I> on the next line to keep it symetrical.
    And using "inbetween" just sounds a little akward right there. Maybe just say "between"?

    I do like the way you bring all of the pain and toil back around to being the speaker's fault. It seems to me like the speaker tried so hard for someone only to end up empty and forgotten. And they are angry at whoever forgot what the speaker had done. But end the end, the speaker brought it on themselves for trying too hard for something they could not obtain.

    And maybe you meant to or maybe you didn't, but I do like that there are ten "sections." Maybe one representing each finger.

    Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2008-09-14 00:00:00 | by lovedeathsdeath | [ Reply to This ]

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