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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Part Of Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AeThe Lost Poet
    ASL Info:    19/M/DE
    Elite Ratio:    3.6 - 147/184/122
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 619
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1034



    Description:
       yall know


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPart Of Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    and I realize--
    it was hard to see,
    but really--
    you were just another part of me,
    --affect me--
    like a blow so deadly,
    heartshot--
    wound placed so perfectly
    in a sense we are
    always on gaurd,
    it's a cold day,
    and we all get scarred
    in this concrete jungle,
    the amazon's flowing,
    and it all goes down the funnel
    when it's gone and gone going,
    on and on going wars,
    and internal violence,
    any other thoughts,
    get deterred or silenced,
    so...
    who'd alert the sirens?
    any amount of time,
    and the curtain's dyed red,

    so I stop peeping.
    and start sleeping like I should be
    and leaving in tears,
    thinking or all the "would-be"s
    should be- you and me---
    but how could we?

    and i realize---
    it was hard to see---
    but... really,
    you were just another part of me




    Submitted on 2008-09-15 04:20:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks for askin how I was, I'm alright. I thought I'd respond with a comment.

    First I'd like to point out that although you pay a lot of attention to your format and the appearance of your piece, especially the signifigance of punctuation, you have a few typos. Something we all do, but its strange since you must have looked this over several times wondering if how you'd spaced the lines effected the word flow. I do like how you've formatted and the punctuation does slow and speed the reader's progression. You've done a crafty thing there.

    Suggestions - instead of commas use periods at the end of these lines.

    "wound placed so perfectly"
    "get deterred or silenced."
    "and the curtain's dyed red."
    and at the end of both
    "you were just another part of me."

    it would just add a nice pause and help with what is so stand-out about the work.

    good luck with the rest of yr day.

    Ash.
    | Posted on 2008-10-23 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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