[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Part Of Medots

    Author: AeThe Lost Poet
    ASL Info:    19/M/DE
    Elite Ratio:    3.6 - 147/184/122
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1034

       yall know

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPart Of Medots

    and I realize--
    it was hard to see,
    but really--
    you were just another part of me,
    --affect me--
    like a blow so deadly,
    wound placed so perfectly
    in a sense we are
    always on gaurd,
    it's a cold day,
    and we all get scarred
    in this concrete jungle,
    the amazon's flowing,
    and it all goes down the funnel
    when it's gone and gone going,
    on and on going wars,
    and internal violence,
    any other thoughts,
    get deterred or silenced,
    who'd alert the sirens?
    any amount of time,
    and the curtain's dyed red,

    so I stop peeping.
    and start sleeping like I should be
    and leaving in tears,
    thinking or all the "would-be"s
    should be- you and me---
    but how could we?

    and i realize---
    it was hard to see---
    but... really,
    you were just another part of me

    Submitted on 2008-09-15 04:20:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Thanks for askin how I was, I'm alright. I thought I'd respond with a comment.

    First I'd like to point out that although you pay a lot of attention to your format and the appearance of your piece, especially the signifigance of punctuation, you have a few typos. Something we all do, but its strange since you must have looked this over several times wondering if how you'd spaced the lines effected the word flow. I do like how you've formatted and the punctuation does slow and speed the reader's progression. You've done a crafty thing there.

    Suggestions - instead of commas use periods at the end of these lines.

    "wound placed so perfectly"
    "get deterred or silenced."
    "and the curtain's dyed red."
    and at the end of both
    "you were just another part of me."

    it would just add a nice pause and help with what is so stand-out about the work.

    good luck with the rest of yr day.

    | Posted on 2008-10-23 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    ME written by jjd
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Genesis written by saartha
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    Incubus written by monad
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    untitled written by Chelebel




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]