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    dots Submission Name: 1-900-CONDOMSdots

    Author: Pietro
    ASL Info:    30/m/cebu
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 298/175/36
    Words: 533
    Class/Type: Spoof/Serious
    Total Views: 1103
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3786

       no im not dead... just had to get a job... what's the difference eh? liiiittle joke there...

    so all the rumors about me being lost at sea are false. im perfectly dry today.

    needless to say a significant span of time has elapsed (jaydee's been keeping count of the days i reckon.) hopefully this has not changed anything and hopefully as well that everyone is doing all the better since last we met in this peculiar plane.

    anyway, this is a sort of transcription of what its like to be in me shoes for a day. its like one sick grinding cycle, but hey, it pays the bills. set in the not too distant dystopian future, comprised of profanity, bits of taboo sci-fi and absurd humor, dont take it too seriously though. not for the squeamish. format is a bit rough, hope it rocks.

    man, bill's comment just rocks...

    so i stole something... hahahaha


    changed the word 'abortion'. something much more grittier and funnier and more horrible.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.



    thank you for calling procreation products care, my name is nick, may i have your product code please?


    that's the one on the back of the wrapper right?


    yes sir.


    its 69C22


    thank you, let me retrieve your account from our database sir.... one moment please...




    ok, may i have the the first six digits of your bar code at the back of your neck?




    thank you, you pass verification, how can i assist you today?


    yeah i dont think you can, and i'm not too happy about your product, i'm really, really upset and i'm trying my best not to lose it...


    i'm sorry to hear that -

    -no need to apologize, its not you, you're just an employee and you guys sold me crap! and i have a problem, a big problem with that.

    so now, i have a baby on the way and all because i used your stupid thing, so i want you to reverse the credits i used to buy it and cover the expenses for the fetal termination! i want it done today or i swear i will sue your asses.


    i'm real sorry to hear about your predicament sir unfortunately we cannot do that, there is no process and it is protocol that we do not reverse any credits, because when you unrolled the product you automatically agree to the product's terms and conditions, did you not read them sir?


    what terms, i don't see where it says anything about your latex being unreliable.


    its coded there on the lower left hand side of the front label of the wrapper, it specifically states; '2% success rate', so that means only 98% of the time, the product works..


    ...oh my god! who the fuck reads that? oh this is bullshit, this is bullshit, give me your goddamn employee number!


    yes, its automated voice android 486390


    im writing that down...


    once again sir we apologize for any inconvenience this caused -

    -get me someone more advanced than you, because you're worthless you're not helping me at all, why don't you get a job at a mcdonald's huh?


    sir, we all follow the same procedures and protocol here and even if i get you -

    -get me your supervisor!!!


    yes, please stay on the line...


    DURATION 4:20



    Submitted on 2008-09-17 08:41:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Attention Kmart shoppers!
    Attention Kmart shoppers!

    Due to an influx of recycled petroleum products and polyethylene hip joints as base materials, the quality of our procreation prevention devices has been greatly curtailed. Simply purchasing the packets and breaking the hermetic seal may lead to needless pregnancies, perpetual diaper rash, college tuition increases, endless rants against previous generations, rampant consumerism and death during commutes to coporate headquarters of souless workplaces.

    Please have a Slurpee, take a number, enjoy one of our brochures and an indifferent salesclerk will be with you shortly to assist you in registering your complaint.
    | Posted on 2008-09-19 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok ! Ok, I was seduced into reading this bunch of Bull [censored] as you call it and to which I must agree. Those guarantees that most companies make are only guarantees that if the product doesn't work the consumer's price paid will be either rebated or exchanged for another product of like value. So let the consumer beware there is no guarantee as to the safety or quality of the product made. This brings much consternation to the FDA and FCC and the FTC. There is too much bull-[censored] going on and congress surely doesn't care since lobbists pay each member of congress to keep their mouths shut or their millions given to their re-election campaigns will cease. I liked the way the consumer in your write demanded an accounting and this is the reason why most large companies have gone to automated answering services. The ploy being that the dissatisfied consumer will hang up when the nice voiced automate says,"your waiting time is twenty minutes." gosh, those 800,866 and 877 numbers must be dirt cheap if a company pays for twenty minutes of down time consistantly throughout the day. There is still the UPS to voice one's complaint (that is if the small print of the company's address can be read on the product label) but most of those addresses are only the addresses of the distributors of the product. Get with it,congress! Quit sitting on your fat asses illegally using tax payer dollars to satiate your inactivity.
    | Posted on 2008-09-18 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
    and you betcha i was counting days!
    excrutiatingly long days indeed!

    this is ghastly!
    imagine such a situation
    im sure people have been found in such situations... when chosen methods of "safe sex" have back fired and babies have been created.

    i think im sad that UNIT 486390 got terminated... 'it' was just doing its job!!

    interesting supervisory actions...
    im a supervisor and i spend my days trying to set good example for my staff. so when people come up at 11:15am and try to purchase their lunch early i'll say "hey im really sorry but we dont actually open till 11:30am..." and my staff are like "but jayde... it wouldnt be too hard to serve them" and i say "i know... itd be really easy to serve them but if someone see you serving them then someone else will want to be served early and someone else and someone else and when 11:30 comes you wont be ready to serve everyone who arrives en mass and then you'll get stressed and explode..." and they say "wow jayde... youre so amazing"

    really im not amazing at all. im just trying to make my life easier when 11:30am hits haha

    but here the supervisor over rides all the proceedures in place.
    now maybe thats because this is a special, urgent circumstance needing individual compassionate consideration...
    maybe the employee/automated voice has lost its empathy for those on the other end of the line [though an automated voice cannot be programmed for such a response...]

    life is interesting.
    i have missed you.
    you should read some of bills stuff... this reminds me of him a lot.
    | Posted on 2008-09-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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