Heaven and Earth by EmpathicAya

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Submission Name: Heaven and Earth dots

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Author:	EmpathicAya
ASL Info:	13+6/unMale/Your Mind
Elite Ratio:	7.66 - 665/396/86
Words:	267

Class/Type:	Misc/Passion
Total Views:	213
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	3097

Description:
My muse. Wow...this is actually troubling to the eye... I wanna hear comments first, though. Before I take it off.

Heaven and Earth dots

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Let's lay out the food!
     Let's break out the wine!
          Let's celebrate!

I found Krishna; he wasn't blue. It's my
favorite color, but I-

I don't wish he was.

Beautiful brown,
chocolatey skin I want to swim in.

       Swim in me, swim in me.
Let's make waves.

"I believe in God, the Mother, the Father,
                  the Almighty.
        Maker of Heaven and Earth."

and in your eyes,
I saw them;

Heaven                                        Earth
on                      and                        on
Earth                                        Heaven

swirling 'round and around, wound around,
in pleasure, in love.
                        Swim in me.

Your voice gets the waves crashing and raging, begging and pleading;
                         shrieking,
                            GOD!

        Chaos theory,
             life originated from the sea,
    life originated from me.

Oh, please. Oh, please!

                    See the sea and see
that ours

is the calm
        before the storm.

Submitted on 2008-09-18 21:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Yes! The muse. There is driving, lightning energy throughout this poem, which you gave it by the fast, varying rhythm and by the rapid changes in the typographic shapes of the stanzas. I think your Concrete experiments are being successful.
| Posted on 2009-03-03 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not going to be much for criticism or anything. Just wanting to say how much I enjoyed that. I found the format refreshing and original as well as the words that formed it.

I've been left with a sense of passion. I'm not sure why and I cannot put my finger on what it is about this piece that has left me with this lingering feeling.

It was beautifully written and the word play was amazing.

Good job
Still
| Posted on 2008-12-26 00:00:00 | by StillimCold | [ Reply to This ]
  if the seas could swirl up and search
for that someone who repeats desire
in our minds and also
forces the ultimate calm
on us

it would look like this. And it's a beautiful tribute to how you feel
and more importantly that you're in touch with exactly how to express it.

Love,

Nan

| Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  You asked for some more in-depth analyzes, and I am here to give you what you want.

My initial and overall impression

This piece appears to be about love on the surface. As far as most pagans are concerned it is. I am here to tell you it is not. It is truly a piece based on a mix of lust and infatuation. I get the idea that this is young "love" rushed into. I get the idea that passions ignited and are the driving force behind both this relationship and poem.

The use of more than one God (Krishna and GOD the trinity) leads me to believe you are of a spiritual nature, but still seeking. You know there is more out there than this life, and more than what meets the eye. You however do not feel a connection to whatever that larger truth is and therefore are lost.

In the reference of your lover’s skin, besides being written beautifully, I get the impression that this makes him almost forbidden. By comparing him to Krishna, then noting the off color, I am left with the idea that you are saying you have found perfection in a place you were either not suppose to, or at the very lest didn't expect to.

Your conclusion leads me to believe that this is not a "good" love. I am left with the impression that due to its forbidden nature, or do to unmentioned factors, you are fully aware that this relationship will end up being toxic. You see the trouble ahead, and yet you do not care. Your concern is for gratification in this moment. You will deal with the pain and consequences to follow as they come.

If you feel that I am analyzing you and your topic here more than the actual work, then you are correct. Besides being a very beautiful write, it is also very personal and vulnerable. I find you have put so much of yourself in this work that it is a reflection of yourself. So it would be imposable to separate the two from where I am sitting. And there is always the off hand chance that I am wrong about all of this. If that be the case, then you still have a very long breakdown of your work full of the ideas and impressions of one that tends to over think things.

| Posted on 2008-09-25 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
  This was an excellent over all write. I have to admit that I thought this was the words of a woman at first. I guess I let the line "swim in me" take me to a dirty place.

That aside, I truly feel this was amazing. I am not normally a fan of playing with the overall "look" of the words. I think it rarely pays off, and in fact is more of a distraction. But they way you have done so here really adds something special to this piece. I am especially fond of the

Heaven Earth
On and On
Earth Heaven

They way you have visually set this up as a whole reminds me of how I take notes in class. It also almost gives it the feeling of being a stream of consciousness piece. But I can tell it is not. It is far too good and too well executed to not have been well thought out and toiled over for at lest a moderately long amount of time.

| Posted on 2008-09-24 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
  exceptional, passionate, quirky, vivid, and intense.

You deserve a longer comment, but I dont feel like leaving one. Hopefully my +fav speaks for me.
| Posted on 2008-09-20 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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