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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: So Absolutedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 589
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1140



    Description:
       Ok its still a draft, I keep running through it but I think something is still off. Whether format or wording or...I don't know. So please, some criticism would be greatly appreciated and I will be sure to reciprocate :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSo Absolutedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The awkward seats,
    Wildly arranged,
    Escaped before,
    Are now entwined.
    Our paths,
    their surge,
    its gotten me
    confined.
    [The] thoughts,
    few--and yet
    mine.
    A valient
    new discovery
    of time.
    He sits,
    absurd profanity
    while she cries
    afraid of the
    up-and-coming
    insecurity.
    He prays
    that she won't know
    His is disguising
    his hope to grow.
    She grabs at pens
    explaining why
    --his left knee bends.
    and so she describes
    with words so smooth;
    his/her intimidating absolute.
    "Ouch!" he screams
    what words of falsity
    she proclaims.
    His pale complexion
    and her painful exception
    to her simple, pure thoughts
    forced from a destitude depression.
    He kisses her.
    She misses him.
    For the fleeting moment
    Of the pens last whim.
    Those flittering words
    She could, would,
    only ever write.
    romantic whiffs,
    in a new, loveless plight.




    Submitted on 2008-09-19 01:35:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i had to agree a bit with Raphael....seems a little too format oriented...

    not as raw as other stuff of yours...or as natural..

    there are some good lines in this...but i word work on being a bit more elusive..letting us figure out things...a bit straightforward...

    i like the very beginning and also the last part a lot...good wording...different...but work on that for the entire poem...and spellings..

    "it's" "valiant" "destitute"

    see possiblities with this..maybe free verse it...and see how that works...might feel and come off a bit more natural ....

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-06-01 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      

    seems that your
    more preocupied

    with a silly format

    than what your actually [SAYING]

    Yes yes no no

    -toodles

    | Posted on 2009-03-19 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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