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    dots Submission Name: So Absolutedots

    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 602
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1140

       Ok its still a draft, I keep running through it but I think something is still off. Whether format or wording or...I don't know. So please, some criticism would be greatly appreciated and I will be sure to reciprocate :)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSo Absolutedots

    The awkward seats,
    Wildly arranged,
    Escaped before,
    Are now entwined.
    Our paths,
    their surge,
    its gotten me
    [The] thoughts,
    few--and yet
    A valient
    new discovery
    of time.
    He sits,
    absurd profanity
    while she cries
    afraid of the
    He prays
    that she won't know
    His is disguising
    his hope to grow.
    She grabs at pens
    explaining why
    --his left knee bends.
    and so she describes
    with words so smooth;
    his/her intimidating absolute.
    "Ouch!" he screams
    what words of falsity
    she proclaims.
    His pale complexion
    and her painful exception
    to her simple, pure thoughts
    forced from a destitude depression.
    He kisses her.
    She misses him.
    For the fleeting moment
    Of the pens last whim.
    Those flittering words
    She could, would,
    only ever write.
    romantic whiffs,
    in a new, loveless plight.

    Submitted on 2008-09-19 01:35:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i had to agree a bit with Raphael....seems a little too format oriented...

    not as raw as other stuff of yours...or as natural..

    there are some good lines in this...but i word work on being a bit more elusive..letting us figure out things...a bit straightforward...

    i like the very beginning and also the last part a lot...good wording...different...but work on that for the entire poem...and spellings..

    "it's" "valiant" "destitute"

    see possiblities with this..maybe free verse it...and see how that works...might feel and come off a bit more natural ....

    | Posted on 2011-06-01 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

    seems that your
    more preocupied

    with a silly format

    than what your actually [SAYING]

    Yes yes no no


    | Posted on 2009-03-19 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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