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Author: Astarael
ASL Info:    19/Girl/Baltimore
Elite Ratio:    5.34 - 87 /102 /38
Words: 201
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 862
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1452


We had to do a voice poem for my Intro to Fiction and Poetry class in a voice very different from our own. In class, the examples we read were T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," Langston Hughes' "Theme for English B," and Emily Dickinson's poem #620.


Gray abandoned streets I roam
Crumbled walls I eke a home
Dilapidated tenement
Splinters shards on cold cement.

Broken bones, bilge, and bile
Frigid ground I linger while
City sludge slides through the grate
Sickness has become my fate.

Country used me for her War
Doesn't need me anymore
Shrapnel slivers slit my meat,
But this time I admit defeat.

Blows have kicked me onto crutches
Answered prayers evade my clutches
Raped my brain and gave me fear,
Forced me captive, bound in here.

Watch the ugly mutant creatures
Creep from City's falling features
Slurp green sludge from sewer pipes
Acid rain burns neon night.

Crawling coward, creeping cretin
Body bruised and badly beaten
Crouch along the wall of bricks
Roll my sleeve and take my fix.

In a pocket I posses
Poison I use to repress
A memory that harbors terror
God created me in error.

Push the plunger with precision
Euthanize my sordid vision
Winter chills my blackened face
I dream of Mother's warm embrace.

They will find me here tomorrow
Huddled close against my sorrow
Permanent in deep sedation
Death will come as my salvation.

- September 13, 2008

Submitted on 2008-09-21 14:27:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I've noticed a lot of alliteration in this piece too. I like a lot of the vocabulary you used here. The only thing i can comment on is the flow in some areas doesn't work well. It makes it awkward to read aloud in some places.

for example...this stanza:

In a pocket I possess
Poison I use to repress
A memory that harbors terror
God created me in error

the last two lines don't flow well when first read. the reader has to adjust to the change of meter kind of abruptly in the last line.

It's an interested poem though and I was attracted to the subject matter.
| Posted on 2009-04-01 00:00:00 | by EileenToTheLeft | [ Reply to This ]
  Quite riveting write. I like some of the ideas such as the one about euthanizing a sordid vision that was exceedingly intense. Nevertheless, I thought that the rhyme scheme sounded strained particularly with regards to the four first stanzas. It seems as though you had tried unduly hard so as to frame them into the style you have chosen. I did like the rest of the poem. The rhyme scheme sounds more natural especially when one gets near the ending. Likewise, I enjoyed the ending especially on account of the fact that I've felt that way, as well.

That's about it. Please feel free to cast aside all I've said.

Warm regards,


| Posted on 2008-10-20 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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