Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Promise the Ocean, I'm Parcheddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: was_i_ever_real
    ASL Info:    23 _ f _ tx
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 194/91/52
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 880
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 987



    Description:
       I wanted this to flow from acceptance, to pleading, to remembering, to acceptance again, roughly.

    that's why the rhyme wasn't as fast paced in the beginning....

    any help with the flow I was trying to create would be appreciated....

    this was a burning thirst...
    and i know that salt water can kill me...

    but that doesn't stop me from sipping on it, every now and then.

    anything for a memory.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPromise the Ocean, I'm Parcheddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Forget all those half sincere pleas.
    My foundation is cracking...
    and it's louder than...
    well,
    you know what.
    You find me lacking? Fine.

    Take what you will of me,
    but promise me my ocean,
    at least once.
    If it passes your lips,
    I'm sure to believe
    (just like every other lie)
    and I can desperately cling
    to that blue reflected in the sky...
    reminding me in flashes of

    your hips,

    your thighs,

    hot breath

    escaping sighs,

    fevered fingertips,

    frantic cries

    rhythm of heartbeats
    yours and mine . . .

    give me this, and you can leave
    water covers most of this world
    and reflections in the sky
    are enough for me.

    they're enough for me.






    they have to be.




    Submitted on 2008-09-23 04:40:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked the way it flowed, sometimes the transition to another style can be disgruntling to read, but it worked rather well in this case though if I had to point out what I liked least, it would be the second stanza ... the rest is very imaginative, but at the second, I just can't picture it in my head ... if that makes any sense > >

    though reading it for the fifth time now, it does start to make more sense. I need more sleep. Either way, nice job, nice read. :)
    | Posted on 2010-01-25 00:00:00 | by Urisen | [ Reply to This ]
      It's beautiful, it really is. I think it depicts something that I've been longing for all my life. It flows perfectly, you needn't worry about that.

    This is art at its finest.

    Keep writing, don't be afraid to let your true emotions show.

    With utmost affection,
    Iffy
    | Posted on 2009-04-24 00:00:00 | by Iffy | [ Reply to This ]
      I understand how you feel. I like the way the flow worked out, it reads well. And surely a small sip of saltwater won't kill you. If it will... dang. Im in trouble.

    Lady Rose
    | Posted on 2009-03-26 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent Job with this
    I read your little explanation of this write and to be Honest with you I like the way this is written with the rhyme scheme in the middle and letting your words instead of a rhyme scheme carrying this write in the begining
    I thought that was very clever
    In fact I might even try something like this
    Great Job
    Looking forward to reading more from you in the future
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-09-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    165982

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Records I written by Raphael
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    prison written by ShyOne
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry