Description: I wanted this to flow from acceptance, to pleading, to remembering, to acceptance again, roughly.
that's why the rhyme wasn't as fast paced in the beginning....
any help with the flow I was trying to create would be appreciated....
this was a burning thirst...
and i know that salt water can kill me...
but that doesn't stop me from sipping on it, every now and then.
anything for a memory.
Promise the Ocean, I'm Parched -------------------------------------------
Forget all those half sincere pleas.
My foundation is cracking...
and it's louder than...
you know what.
You find me lacking? Fine.
Take what you will of me,
but promise me my ocean,
at least once.
If it passes your lips,
I'm sure to believe
(just like every other lie)
and I can desperately cling
to that blue reflected in the sky...
reminding me in flashes of
rhythm of heartbeats
yours and mine . . .
give me this, and you can leave
water covers most of this world
and reflections in the sky
are enough for me.
I liked the way it flowed, sometimes the transition to another style can be disgruntling to read, but it worked rather well in this case though if I had to point out what I liked least, it would be the second stanza ... the rest is very imaginative, but at the second, I just can't picture it in my head ... if that makes any sense > >
though reading it for the fifth time now, it does start to make more sense. I need more sleep. Either way, nice job, nice read. :)
Excellent Job with this
I read your little explanation of this write and to be Honest with you I like the way this is written with the rhyme scheme in the middle and letting your words instead of a rhyme scheme carrying this write in the begining
I thought that was very clever
In fact I might even try something like this
Looking forward to reading more from you in the future
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think