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    dots Submission Name: The Puppet:Part 7-Undescribabledots

    Author: faded color
    ASL Info:    18/M/That one place
    Elite Ratio:    2.93 - 36/32/37
    Words: 341
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 921
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1780

       Hope you like cliffhangers!

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    dotsThe Puppet:Part 7-Undescribabledots

    As I walked home, I neared the grave yard were all this started. I wasn't thinking at the time, so I cut through the damned place. What was in this grave yard is beyond me. There are no holy men, no saints, no priests, no veterans,only murderers and rapists. A dispicable place that has a church as if it would somehow ease the pain to the loved ones. The pain was growing greater and greater, the pressure was unbearable. I stumbled through the graves as if I were intoxicated. All of a sudden, I became very light, the ground beneath my feet seemed to disappear, and then, everything went black. I had fallen into an open grave. Voices surounded me, I felt fingertips on my back, nails on my arms. I screamed as loud as I could, but I knew no one could hear. As soon as I could, I turned to see what it was behind me. Jackie! There he stood, kinda. He was floating about a foot off the ground, arm like tentacles came from his back and amazed me more than anything had ever. Then he spoke.
    "Hello there. Like what you see? I am what you fear. I am your dreams, your nightmares, and all your fantasies. Fear me and tremble before my might, or join me in my own fight. I will kill what you love most. I will destroy your mind. I will melt your bones, sear your flesh, and then, we will be one. You know how to stop this from happening. But wether you will or not, that is another question. But I have ways of persuading you."
    A small hole formed in the ground behind him. A demon like creature crawled from behind him. It was bone skinny, skin like leather, beedy yellow eyes, and pure white teeth. The pain grew so strong, that it made me pass out as I seen Jackie move over me and the creature drag me by my legs into the hole. Then, I was out cold.

    Submitted on 2008-09-23 11:53:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "What was in this grave yard is beyond me."

    such as this one, was and is are oposing tenses. One is future and one is present. They do not fit well together in a sentence describing something that is happening at that moment. Replace was, you can use something like resides, lives, lurcks, even use is again but was makes it sound like it is no longer there. Does that help explain what I ment?

    "The pain grew so strong, that it made me pass out as I seen Jackie move over me and the creature drag me by my legs into the hole. Then, I was out cold."

    In these lines. . . well frankly hun, you can't pass out, see something happening to you and be out cold, lol. Might want to move the line :
    "The pain grew so strong, that it made me pass out"
    down to after the description something like :
    " I saw Jackie move over me and the cretuer begin dragging me by the leg into the hole. The pain became so intense that conciouness became imposible. I was out cold."

    just some suggestions, take them or leave them. I'll be more than happy to analize if you want but it is a great story. The imagination behind it is amazing. Great piece, keep writing.

    | Posted on 2008-09-24 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
      Verry interesting chapter. The story line is going great, even if your chapters are short. Anyways, the only thing I could see that was anoying in this is the few tense changes you made. Besides that great piece, keep writing.

    | Posted on 2008-09-23 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]

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