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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Godly Vistasdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    18/M/Ohio State
    Elite Ratio:    6.06 - 174/189/127
    Words: 240
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 138
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1600



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGodly Vistasdots
    -------------------------------------------




    It was
    Summer in between the crystallized valleys of winter evergreen,
    And indigo prairies of glistening icicle: Something so brilliant it begs to be seen.
    Screams shake the forests and the meadows with expressive melodies
    of criss-crossed breathing, heavy like the rage of the white-watered sea.
    You know,
    Falling in love is like falling behind, a one step forward - two step back mentality
    Crashing and weaving a future, bending and breaking a majestic sort of history
    And at last im part of the great mystery, vibrant colors carefully felt and dreamed:
    One step ahead of comprehension and one too far out of this dimension.
    Then tearing down the booming serenade, and dropping through the thin façade:
    Falling out of a fantasy (sweet serenity) and into the duality of cold reality.
    It's like waking up from a vivid dream: Everything seems a little less real,
    and a little more like the everyday lives of you and me through vague obscurity.
    Take a look below the surface of your padded wall nonfiction.
    Taste the sweetness of life's many voices, calling out in unison,
    begging you to ease the tension of an unbalanced existence
    to fully experience this universal experiment.



    I've decided that it must be the truth that in order to
    Smooth over the friction of never knowing the beauty in being only temporary
    The gods choose to see through our eyes.




    Submitted on 2008-09-24 16:34:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Fantastic, with but the following exceptions:

    "...you aint never seen..."

    This double negative, and lack of punctuation does not suit the verbosity of this piece.

    You are smarter than this.

    At the same time, I feel the vibe you try to instill here, and I understand why you chose these words. Though I still feel it to be a weak point.

    "...breathing heavy like the rage of brilliant ocean sea..."

    This bit seems ever so slightly awkward, there ought be a comma after "breathing" to lead into the description of the breathes taken.

    Also, "...ocean sea..." Is redundant, and bulky. Perhaps cut out one word or the other and replace it with a descriptor, or place an "a" before "brilliant" to replace the syllable lost with "sea", though that would upset your rhyme scheme.

    "...suddenly everything seems a little less real..."

    An excellent line, however the "suddenly" part seems to detract. I always think of the transition between dream world and reality to be a slow one.

    "your inner voice, calling out in unison"

    How does a single voice call out in unison? Unison implies that the subject is in plural.
    No, it nearly requires it.

    "...in order to
    Smooth over the friction in never knowing the beauty in being only temporary..."

    This doesn't seem to make much sense to me, yet with the simple change of the second "in" to "of", it becomes more clear.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Aside from the aforementioned this piece has a resounding quality to it, I feel as if I am privy to your thoughts as you work to develop your ideas, your feelings. This is a methodical, smooth flowing, and somewhat disjuncted piece.

    Your opinions bleed through almost as much as your emotions here, and I can almost hear you speaking these words with a fiery intensity, the kind that really engages those within earshot, and forces their ears into a receptive state.

    There are no loose words here, you've set yourself in stone.

    | Posted on 2008-09-24 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      It is plainly obvious you have spent much time both studying the masters, and inside your own head.

    It is also plainly obvious that your skills are so far beyond my own that I almost feel I do not deserve to leave a comment here, but that has never stopped me before.

    Your work here is on the verge of being overly stuffy, but it never crosses that line. It is a very reflective and beautiful write full of truth, wile at the same time it is very analytical. This piece mixes (and in near equal parts) the poet's burning inner passion, and the philosopher’s cold steely reason.
    | Posted on 2008-09-24 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      The way you decribe love is so unique, but it makes the reader realize how your words ring true. It's so amazing and your word choice is pretty good as well. I love this poem, and as far as i can see, everything runs pretty smoothely :) awesome job... I love your writing, James, keep it up
    | Posted on 2008-09-24 00:00:00 | by Kaygrl | [ Reply to This ]


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