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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Gretulan: A Necromancer's Storydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: faded color
    ASL Info:    18/M/That one place
    Elite Ratio:    2.93 - 36/32/37
    Words: 577
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1354
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2973



    Description:
       I began typing this as a side thing for fun. Figured I'd post it, and see were it goes. Please comment and critique.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGretulan: A Necromancer's Storydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Today I was on my way home, and it was snowing. Cold had set into my mind. Most of my friends were sick, and my family had died some years earlier from the war. The year is 1257A.D, the main religion, what little is left, is Christianity. The church is corrupt, the government is all a shambles, and there is no healer of any sort. Our town consists of one church, ruins were another church stood, tore down because of an evil priest or something, shacks were the citizens reside, a pub, and two, maybe three farms. There is a shortage of food, water, medicine, and religion. No one shows it, but everyone is dying unless they work for the church, or live in the castle atop the hill. They built the town quite some ways away from His “Majesty” as a front line of defense. We are to be called to arms if under attack. After we are dead or wounded, then the soldiers are to take over…in the castle. Bodies’ liter the street, the graveyard is filled to the brink of overflow, and the church decorates the interior with bones and dried flesh. Looks quite nice if I do say so myself, as I am the one in charge of making it look so. The new priest has appointed a “lucky” few to do work in exchange for food and not having to pay taxes with our non-existent coin. Sometimes, when it is not below freezing, I go out to the ruins. Although it was destroyed out of blasphemy, I find it very peaceful. The wind seems to dance around, you cannot hear the screams and coughing of the town, and no one bothers you. My house consists of a table, chair, bed, half a bottle of whine, a quarter chunk of bread, old cheese, few books, none religious though, and a cabinet here and there. I am looked up at in this town. Well, I must be going to bed. Skinning starts early. Good night.
    I awoke today in a cold sweat, hardly conscious at all, with screams of terror and fire. I ran outside to see what was happening and I seen that we were under attack by a group of bandits. They attack only the town, never go far enough to get attacked by the castle guard. I grabbed my sword, passed down by the men in my family, and ran outside. I do not prefer to go into detail about this battle, just know the outcome was a lot of rubble, corpses, and heart breaks. The King congratulated us on protecting him, and then returned to his meal. Everyone I knew had died, with the exception of five friends. I did not go to church that day. After the battle, what was left of my friends and I returned to my house for wine and cheese to celebrate our dead friends’ freedom of pain. As we sat there and talked of memories past, I wiped the day from my sword, sheathed it, and returned it to the chest in which I keep in a shed out back of my shack. We ate, and then they left to tend to what was left of their homes and families. I cleaned up, and then began writing. It is nearing morning already, and tomorrow will be a day of cleansing and drying at the church. So, for now, good bye.




    Submitted on 2008-09-25 12:47:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with Nikki. There is a need for embelishment. And less needs to be just handed to your readers.
    Are you doing this peice in "journal" format?
    Maybe instead of writing what date it is in the peice, put the date at the top of each "entry".

    It's a good start.
    Carrie:)
    | Posted on 2010-02-04 00:00:00 | by Carosuel | [ Reply to This ]
      " Today I was on my way home, and it was snowing. Cold had set into my mind."

    this sentence is choppy.

    "Today i was heading toward home, it was snowing causing the cold to set in my mind.

    Today i headed towards home. It was snowing causing the cold to imprint on my mind."

    You need to use words other than basic English embellish cause it to pop out at your reader when you read a book you get detailed sentences. use your vocabulary as much as you can expanding scenes with more details.

    "Most of my friends were sick, and my family had died some years earlier from the war. The year is 1257A.D, the main religion, what little is left, is Christianity."


    You're spoon feeding your readers, which makes it so they don't use their imaginations as much, which can cause boredom or simply a horrid story. don't reveal everything at once. use flash backs on to scenes that hold the most emotional stress to your character. Introduce the religion with more fan fare or more stress on the fact that the religion now was i tatters.

    "Christianity now ruled the land in the tattered shell of its once former glory"

    spice the damn thing up.

    "ruins were another church stood, tore down because of an evil priest or something, shacks were the citizens reside, a pub, and two, maybe three farms. There is a shortage of food, water, medicine, and religion."


    evil...now that is a word you want to try and avoid mostly in the beginning allow your reader to form an opinion of there own before you start calling said person[s] evil. trying placing some atrocities that they have committed then move from there. dont make the plot to obvious. or the reader again would get bored. In all honesty i would have probably placed the book down by now and moved on to another one. you really need to work on details add your surroundings to your writing. for example.

    "He walked six blocks to the coffee shop."

    Generic right?

    "He shuffled along six blocks, all the while thinking of having a hot cup placed between his cold, numb finger. The night trailed on as though to follow his very footsteps. snow rained down coating everything in a soft glow of a brilliant off white. His breath came out in a pearl shape fog, his face felt the brunt of the wind till finally he reached his destination Ike's Coffee Shop."

    See one simple sentence can have so much potential if you just exploit it and use it to your full advantage.


    ". No one shows it, but everyone is dying unless they work for the church, or live in the castle atop the hill. "

    ..... ahem..... well okay

    "No one really cares to face the fact that they are dying. They dont like to have it publicly known though it's a poorly kept secret that if you dont work for the church or in the castle you are already sentenced to a life of misery,pain, then death."

    "After we are dead or wounded, then the soldiers are to take over…in the castle. Bodies’ liter the street, the graveyard is filled to the brink of overflow, and the church decorates the interior with bones and dried flesh. "

    you are finally adding some detail though your a bit late on it. grammer is a MUST in stories.

    "After we were all slain, or left for dead, the soliders were to take over in the castle [the dots were not needed] Bodies' littered the street, mass graves were filed to the brink, causing some spillage of sinewy parts to lay on display in the streets. the churches gathered the remains, bleached the bones and used it as props for the Victory they had, while they wrote upon the skins of their enemies about how to treat those with kindness and compassion."


    "screams and coughing of the town"

    i believe coughing should be taken out...


    "Everyone I knew had died, with the exception of five friends."

    you're having it come off to strongly, spread it out. dont have all the tragedies happen at once or you'll get a "god not another one" you're doing a sort of emo-ish take on the whole contradiction here.

    now understand this is MY take on your story obviously there are those out there who disagree with me and who believe this story is fascinating. i myself am a dedicated book worm i read to much, i mean my life is reading and i read to keep on living. sort of thing. what you have here is potential. is your story decent now? my honest answer is no. i believe you need to rewrite this as of now. place more description. yes this is a journal of sorts but this is also a book, that is ment to grab readers thus you need to give the readers a rich understanding of what you have placed here in so few words. i would not have finished this book nor bought any other books that were/are in this novel/series. you have some good points in here but the weak points overshadow them too much. what you need like i stated before is a rewrite....

    again my apologies if i have offended yourself in anyway i am just trying to help.


    ~Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, so far this is great. Can't wait to see a nother chapter go up. Verry detailed and so well comprise. Exspecially for you! lol. Need to fix a few typing errors but besides that your good. Good piece babe, keep writing.
    Sarah
    | Posted on 2008-09-25 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]


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