Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flora Fallacydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 816
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 696



    Description:
       yay for well-worn metaphors!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlora Fallacydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Disguised in flowered patterns fleet
    among the weeds where they did meet
    standing graceful in the dust
    finding Sun a deadly must
    though she only craves the rain
    she endures the ever cutting pain
    of holding Sun close to her face
    and in that lonely bitter place
    she cries her eyes right to the ground
    and dies away without a sound.
    Gone is where she sends her heart,
    watching it’s delayed depart,
    a needed forlorn necessity,
    how she wished to let it be,
    but she knows now how it is
    for the poison of his kiss,
    leave her wilting like a rose
    it only takes one fetid dose.




    Submitted on 2008-09-26 23:33:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "necessity" "let it be", "it is" "kiss", "rose" dose"
    ....those are the best rhymes of the entire piece. I would definitely suggest pushing the rest of your rhymes to this standard. The slant rhyme is the best course to take to keep from being cliché, and just sounds so much better. The others sound very forced compared to these.

    I disagree with the comments about breaking the piece up. So few poets practice the art of a sustained poem that flows from one line to the next--keep it this way, just go over it again and make sure the punctuation fits.
    | Posted on 2008-09-28 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      You are a very talented writer, i love how you've got it metrically tight, the imagery is brilliant!
    The only quibble I have is that I got out of breath just reading it in my head, the first half of the poem could be put into sentences and broken up a little more.
    I love the nature theme running though it, like the flowers and weather. All in all, a very very good read.
    | Posted on 2008-09-27 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166143

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Gaia written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry