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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Flora Fallacydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 823
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 696



    Description:
       yay for well-worn metaphors!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlora Fallacydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Disguised in flowered patterns fleet
    among the weeds where they did meet
    standing graceful in the dust
    finding Sun a deadly must
    though she only craves the rain
    she endures the ever cutting pain
    of holding Sun close to her face
    and in that lonely bitter place
    she cries her eyes right to the ground
    and dies away without a sound.
    Gone is where she sends her heart,
    watching it’s delayed depart,
    a needed forlorn necessity,
    how she wished to let it be,
    but she knows now how it is
    for the poison of his kiss,
    leave her wilting like a rose
    it only takes one fetid dose.




    Submitted on 2008-09-26 23:33:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "necessity" "let it be", "it is" "kiss", "rose" dose"
    ....those are the best rhymes of the entire piece. I would definitely suggest pushing the rest of your rhymes to this standard. The slant rhyme is the best course to take to keep from being cliché, and just sounds so much better. The others sound very forced compared to these.

    I disagree with the comments about breaking the piece up. So few poets practice the art of a sustained poem that flows from one line to the next--keep it this way, just go over it again and make sure the punctuation fits.
    | Posted on 2008-09-28 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      You are a very talented writer, i love how you've got it metrically tight, the imagery is brilliant!
    The only quibble I have is that I got out of breath just reading it in my head, the first half of the poem could be put into sentences and broken up a little more.
    I love the nature theme running though it, like the flowers and weather. All in all, a very very good read.
    | Posted on 2008-09-27 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]


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