[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Flora Fallacydots

    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 850
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 696

       yay for well-worn metaphors!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFlora Fallacydots

    Disguised in flowered patterns fleet
    among the weeds where they did meet
    standing graceful in the dust
    finding Sun a deadly must
    though she only craves the rain
    she endures the ever cutting pain
    of holding Sun close to her face
    and in that lonely bitter place
    she cries her eyes right to the ground
    and dies away without a sound.
    Gone is where she sends her heart,
    watching it’s delayed depart,
    a needed forlorn necessity,
    how she wished to let it be,
    but she knows now how it is
    for the poison of his kiss,
    leave her wilting like a rose
    it only takes one fetid dose.

    Submitted on 2008-09-26 23:33:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      "necessity" "let it be", "it is" "kiss", "rose" dose"
    ....those are the best rhymes of the entire piece. I would definitely suggest pushing the rest of your rhymes to this standard. The slant rhyme is the best course to take to keep from being cliché, and just sounds so much better. The others sound very forced compared to these.

    I disagree with the comments about breaking the piece up. So few poets practice the art of a sustained poem that flows from one line to the next--keep it this way, just go over it again and make sure the punctuation fits.
    | Posted on 2008-09-28 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      You are a very talented writer, i love how you've got it metrically tight, the imagery is brilliant!
    The only quibble I have is that I got out of breath just reading it in my head, the first half of the poem could be put into sentences and broken up a little more.
    I love the nature theme running though it, like the flowers and weather. All in all, a very very good read.
    | Posted on 2008-09-27 00:00:00 | by freeangel | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Push written by JanePlane
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    The Promise written by annie0888
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Bond written by saartha
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Linger written by saartha
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]