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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: faideddarkness
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Idaho
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 101/55/51
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 817
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 663



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Welcome to my world -
    Where grey clouds cry above me,
    saddened by my moments
    of enjoyment's misery.

    Watching the rain drop
    like stars falling from the sky,
    leaving footprints in puddle dreams-
    from some one else waiting to die.

    With all this screaming agony
    all I feel is their pain.

    This is my world -
    nothing to loose, nothing to gain.
    Please pray that you don't wake me.

    Make me leave what made me into myself.

    Please, I beg of you to take your
    love and misery -
    Go and wake some one else.




    Submitted on 2008-09-30 14:37:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is an easy piece to look over. And its not because of the writing, but more teh presentation. it just appears to be a very messy paragraph -lacking good punctuation. i'd like to suggest a forma idea.

    "Welcome to my world -

    Where grey clouds cry above me,
    saddened by my moments
    of enjoyment's misery.

    Watching the rain drop
    like stars falling from the sky,
    leaving footprints in puddle dreams-

    from some one else waiting to die.

    With all this screaming agony
    all I feel is their pain.

    This is my world -

    nothing to loose, nothing to gain.

    Please pray that you don't wake me.

    Make me leave what made me into myself.

    Please, I beg of you to take your
    love and misery -

    Go and wake some one else."


    After just a few inentions and line splits....it seems to have some actual pauses and you can set a tone. i dont mean to say this is the way to do it. im just suggesting that you play with the original. its prob been a while since you last looked at it and you might get some ideas.

    it does seem to speak of two seperate ideas.

    the first evokes a very cloudy dreary day and wishes lost feeling.

    the second is of the lover who has been either betrayed or is simply tired of being used.hrough out teh entire piece.

    the diction of the beginning does not translate that strong idea at the end, "Go wake some one else." seems so final and loses its edge.


    good luck,

    Ash
    | Posted on 2008-10-30 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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