Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: faideddarkness
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Idaho
    Elite Ratio:    6.48 - 99/55/48
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 691
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 663



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Welcome to my world -
    Where grey clouds cry above me,
    saddened by my moments
    of enjoyment's misery.

    Watching the rain drop
    like stars falling from the sky,
    leaving footprints in puddle dreams-
    from some one else waiting to die.

    With all this screaming agony
    all I feel is their pain.

    This is my world -
    nothing to loose, nothing to gain.
    Please pray that you don't wake me.

    Make me leave what made me into myself.

    Please, I beg of you to take your
    love and misery -
    Go and wake some one else.




    Submitted on 2008-09-30 14:37:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is an easy piece to look over. And its not because of the writing, but more teh presentation. it just appears to be a very messy paragraph -lacking good punctuation. i'd like to suggest a forma idea.

    "Welcome to my world -

    Where grey clouds cry above me,
    saddened by my moments
    of enjoyment's misery.

    Watching the rain drop
    like stars falling from the sky,
    leaving footprints in puddle dreams-

    from some one else waiting to die.

    With all this screaming agony
    all I feel is their pain.

    This is my world -

    nothing to loose, nothing to gain.

    Please pray that you don't wake me.

    Make me leave what made me into myself.

    Please, I beg of you to take your
    love and misery -

    Go and wake some one else."


    After just a few inentions and line splits....it seems to have some actual pauses and you can set a tone. i dont mean to say this is the way to do it. im just suggesting that you play with the original. its prob been a while since you last looked at it and you might get some ideas.

    it does seem to speak of two seperate ideas.

    the first evokes a very cloudy dreary day and wishes lost feeling.

    the second is of the lover who has been either betrayed or is simply tired of being used.hrough out teh entire piece.

    the diction of the beginning does not translate that strong idea at the end, "Go wake some one else." seems so final and loses its edge.


    good luck,

    Ash
    | Posted on 2008-10-30 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166290

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Records I written by Raphael
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Shi written by ShyOne
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    prison written by ShyOne
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Shut Up written by annie0888

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry