Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: faideddarkness
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Idaho
    Elite Ratio:    6.47 - 99/55/49
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 706
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 663



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Welcome to my world -
    Where grey clouds cry above me,
    saddened by my moments
    of enjoyment's misery.

    Watching the rain drop
    like stars falling from the sky,
    leaving footprints in puddle dreams-
    from some one else waiting to die.

    With all this screaming agony
    all I feel is their pain.

    This is my world -
    nothing to loose, nothing to gain.
    Please pray that you don't wake me.

    Make me leave what made me into myself.

    Please, I beg of you to take your
    love and misery -
    Go and wake some one else.




    Submitted on 2008-09-30 14:37:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is an easy piece to look over. And its not because of the writing, but more teh presentation. it just appears to be a very messy paragraph -lacking good punctuation. i'd like to suggest a forma idea.

    "Welcome to my world -

    Where grey clouds cry above me,
    saddened by my moments
    of enjoyment's misery.

    Watching the rain drop
    like stars falling from the sky,
    leaving footprints in puddle dreams-

    from some one else waiting to die.

    With all this screaming agony
    all I feel is their pain.

    This is my world -

    nothing to loose, nothing to gain.

    Please pray that you don't wake me.

    Make me leave what made me into myself.

    Please, I beg of you to take your
    love and misery -

    Go and wake some one else."


    After just a few inentions and line splits....it seems to have some actual pauses and you can set a tone. i dont mean to say this is the way to do it. im just suggesting that you play with the original. its prob been a while since you last looked at it and you might get some ideas.

    it does seem to speak of two seperate ideas.

    the first evokes a very cloudy dreary day and wishes lost feeling.

    the second is of the lover who has been either betrayed or is simply tired of being used.hrough out teh entire piece.

    the diction of the beginning does not translate that strong idea at the end, "Go wake some one else." seems so final and loses its edge.


    good luck,

    Ash
    | Posted on 2008-10-30 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166290

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    Fasade written by jackz
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Every..... written by jackz
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Summer written by layDsayD
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    AI written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Love written by saartha
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Push written by JanePlane
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry