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    dots Submission Name: i was high.dots

    Author: Maybe
    ASL Info:    17/m
    Elite Ratio:    4.09 - 5/9/6
    Words: 45
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 386
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 246


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    dotsi was high.dots

    up-starting flowing going right tight through-the-night from down below rising quickly through and fro as if to show how slow we go down low yet high it flows while we doze it grows looking down at those who oppose as if to say


    Submitted on 2008-10-01 01:26:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, honestly it sounds as if you truly were high when writing this. If that is what you were looking for then you nailed it right on the money. If not...well, a revision might be worth noting. Although, the words in it seemed correct relating to the topic it would be best if somehow you made it make more sense. I'm not saying you have to revise it into the common ABAB type poem, but perhaps if instead of just one long run-on sentence you could put more emphasis on certain words such as...

    "up-starting {flowing}
    going right
    tight through-the-{NIGHT}
    from down below
    rising {quickly}
    through and fro
    as if to {show}
    how slow we go
    down {low}
    yet high it flows
    while we {doze}
    it grows
    looking down at {those}
    who oppose as if to say"

    Personally, I have never done this, but I see it often and it does work. It just isn't my style. Also, at the end is says, "looking down on those who oppose as if to say". Did you mean to end it without an ending? As if to say what? If you meant it to leave the reader wanting more you got it. If not, add an ending. Say what they were going to say.

    You have to watch for these types of poems. Short, run-on, easy ones. It makes others think you are just trying to bump your stats by adding stuff that has no meaning. Keep writing. The more you write and revise; the more you improve.
    | Posted on 2008-10-01 00:00:00 | by BeautifulSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      This I found to be confusing but to be Honest any drug abused does confuse a person
    Perhaps if you wrote this sober it would actually make some sense
    God Bless
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2008-10-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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