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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Stepford Livesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 907
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 973



    Description:
       ~watched a colleague crash and burn recently, burned out on helping~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStepford Livesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Stepford Lives

    You know…

    There was this girl: quiet, studious, very bright and almost soft underneath her armor.

    A little church
    a little street
    a little skeptical
    a little tired of doing everything the hard way.

    Sat in my class and wrote me a story about doing right by a daughter born to a long gone daddy like a vision of pride.

    She wore low cut tops, bracelets, a cross, two fine gold rings – and an offering; a shy smile of invitation to her miracle as guest of honor and savior in one, brief fling. Father to an orphaned mother’s daughter. An orgasm, tenderness and a sh*tload of bling.

    I love my wife, I’m certain that I do, but sometimes I wish I could be her savior rather than the last rung on a rusted ladder before the darkness sings.

    Anyway, this is my resignation, effective immediately. I think someone is waiting for me…




    Submitted on 2008-10-01 16:58:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this very much... I am ashamed I didn't get here sooner. It's quite wonderful, in that male's view of Shining Armored Knight gratuity and extension of phallic strength to fix-all...

    I love you much, but sometimes a one-night stand is just... a one-night stand. Not a Quick Fix To Life's Problems.

    But the heroistic approach, the weighing and balancing of morality, the monogamy... it's charming and wonderfully written.

    I enjoyed this immensely, in fact, and my smile was genuine. But I stand by my second paragraph :D
    | Posted on 2010-01-07 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      hi rws!

    i will confess confusion, as this is written in the first person, though the description implies that you were a by-stander.

    if it is a true write, about a colleague that had an affair to feel the rush of heart/loin love once more, then you are a good friend to him. obviously, you have put yourself in his shoes and walked through his supposed steps with compassion and care.

    as a write, it is magnificently crafted. the way you bring the characters to life - hopes, dreams, feelings/dynamic and zip it into a story that is brief though captures heart logic; brilliant!

    the only point i offer for consideration, is to challenge the necessity employing both the ellipsis and the 'i think'. either are effective to imply possibility and continuence of story off the page, though use of both, detracts?

    i think i will read more of your work... :)

    best for your day sir!
    biska
    | Posted on 2009-01-18 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice! This has the feel of someone sitting at a bar and unloading his thoughts to the bartender.

    I don't know, but I see this in two ways...

    -as a teacher captivated by one of his students, but having the decency and honor to withdraw himself from the situation before any wrong is done.

    -as a reflection on what was. The wife once being like this girl that he was suddenly captivated by, but has now become a 'Stepford wife' just going through the motions.

    Great story with effective description and imagery.

    Enjoyed!
    | Posted on 2008-11-11 00:00:00 | by TamarRoze | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok. I've read through your past three or four writes and there's something I've noticed: they're all "for _____."

    And they all have your style but something's changed since the last I read your work (Which was admittedly too long ago). It's a little more carefree, maybe even reckless. The fantastic lines that used to take me a while to decode before I could realize the greatness of a piece are still here, they're just a lot less... they don't attract attention to themselves.

    And this line here is the pivotal one for me.

    "a shy smile of invitation to her miracle as guest of honor and savior in one, brief fling. Father to an orphaned mother’s daughter..."

    an invitation to her miracle! as guest of honor, as savior ....the double meaning wordplay ohmygod in one brief fling. An orphaned mother's daughter.... there's no real way to express how much I love those lines. The thing as a whole. The way it turns around at the end, like the narrator pulls his face away from the window of this woman he's been looking at and resigns...

    There is one thing I'm going to pick at you for though.

    "An orgasm, tenderness and a sh*tload of bling."

    These three little descriptions are maybe accurate, and have a nice sing-song quality to them but they fail to really describe the woman herself in any real detail. They're cursory explorations where I think it would be good to drive a little harder, faster, deeper, and be truly orgasmic without expressly saying it.

    and yeah. I like it. How could I not?
    | Posted on 2008-11-02 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      i dunno. maybe it was the resignation line that got me. jumping ship , quitting and all have been running around in my head last couple of weeks. on top of recurring dreams that are really nightmares.

    there is something of a letting go vibe here, but im pressed for time. will haunt back again...


    peace
    | Posted on 2008-10-13 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      okay this made me laugh. In all honesty i don't believe i fully understood it and if i do get it wrong just ask me to come back and delete this, and i will.

    I like how this was portrayed. The way it was placed in a poetic way of a "damaged" girl and her older "teacher" who thus resigned his job and such to be with her...hmmm...am i even close?

    this has a small sexual undertone. god im probably loosing myself here but these lines are comical to me, yes i agree with Isabella, they are soft and not crass as a normal flaunt in the face of societies morals on such conduct but this poem non the less is brilliantly written.

    i think i'm becoming a fan of your work. i have no clue yet, but this is greatly irritating me cause i normally spend half an hour on each critique i get on average, but i guess i honestly have nothing constructive to say on my end. Brilliant Job rws

    ~Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, this is the softest piece of prose I have read of yours thus far. There is a simplicity to it perhaps. Kind of a heart-grab kinda write.

    I keep writing and erasing what I want to say...
    it just won't come out right.

    There is an honesty here which I appreciate. The characters are believable. Though a short write, I can picture and feel them. Identify even.

    A little church
    a little street
    a little skeptical
    a little tired of doing everything the hard way.

    yup...

    It is hard being a woman sometimes... sheesh.

    Seems it is hard being a man too.

    Love the wife more. (smile).

    It is tuff being a superhero whatever the gender.

    Just thoughts...
    | Posted on 2008-10-01 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


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