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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Like A Feather...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1082
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 769



    Description:
       I realize the format is unfashionable, but I'm being creative. PLEASE dont sue. :)

    this one is incomplete like oh so much of my work. sorry :(


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLike A Feather...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    if i am blind i may not hear my own self.
    how can i see if there is no light...
    to guide the way?
    perhaps here dimmly sitting of motion in the night hanging off settled and crooked,
    swaying lame in certain ways.
    kinda serpentine
    tortuous, winding
    and off beat.
    pf
    of
    to and through.
    I am still here hanging


    pain if i was lame laying broken till the night.
    how could i see what was right there next to me.
    I am,
    Skeptic still, of who I am.
    Skeptic still, of who I was.
    But , i still love you.
    For , ....





    Submitted on 2008-10-03 15:51:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Your following are sick as you.
    | Posted on 2013-03-18 00:00:00 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ]
      Spelling mistake: "dimly" not "dimmly".

    "Laying" should be "Lying". I can lay a book on the table, or a chicken can lay an egg, but when I lay myself down, I say: "I lie down". So - you are "lying broken". Except that "lame laying broken" sounds so good that you should not correct it!

    Poets can do anything, in English they are the leaders. Teachers have to crawl behind.

    | Posted on 2009-06-04 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Comment apon other comments: I agree.It feels complete to me,but what or am I to say what is what?

    Question: "pf"?
    I don't know what to make of it,so I'll leave it at that. XB

    Anyways,onward to much more important matters.I have to admit,at first,thie piece was a lil confusing. It seemed very "stream of consciousness" which is perfectly fine to me,but to some...eh. lol Then it kinda started to fit together rather nicely...Then there was the ending.I knew you thought it was incomplete,but I was shocked anyways.I had to reread a few times for it to click in my head,but the thing is it did at least.

    Another thing I must admit right off is that the writing itself did,in fact, remind me of a feather.

    Knick Picky things: "kinda serpentine".That one phrase...ugh,do you realize how many times I had to mull over that!? lol ALOT! >,< I like it though. =]

    P.S:I just realized that I already commented on this work. lol!! Sorry...I can't remember things sometimes.No wonder the writing seemed so familiar...It did provide a different prospective though. ::
    | Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by LRRolins | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe the poem IS complete? Because it's about an incomplete story or an inconclusive set of thoughts?

    You said you make "so many" unfinished poems.
    Maybe you ought to study unfinishedness, since it might be part of your matured techniques, later on! The kind of technique I think they call "a motif".

    There is something kinda profound to say about unfinishedness, but I haven't ever put it into words, so I can't do so here, but I wish I could.

    You have given me something to work on!!
    | Posted on 2008-10-09 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my dear, ITSELF!

    LOL!
    | Posted on 2008-10-08 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
      lol!! I have to agree!! It is so epic!! >,<
    Sorry,her comment just cracked me up bigg time!

    <222
    | Posted on 2008-10-07 00:00:00 | by LRRolins | [ Reply to This ]
      Wtf? This is like, I don't know how to describe it, but i was definitely an amazing literary experience. I feel as if you shouldn't add anything to the end... I love it.

    "For,..."

    That's so epic... I can't really explain why, but it is.

    'If I am blind, I may not hear myself." I think I'm going to be meditating on that line for the rest of the night, because blind is another term used for ignorance, and ignorance could be not by fault, or it could be deliberate. And ignorant people are people who can't see... or don't listen. Well that's what I'm getting from this, I think...

    A couple of thinks, the word "dimly" and "of", one of the has a "p" instead of an "o", which really sort of takes away from the artistic imagery you were trying to create.

    It sound like someone that got dropped in the forest of love, and even though you don't want to get out, you sort of want to know your way around all the same. At least that's what I understood of it.
    This is a fascinating piece...
    Be well,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm,I really like this.I think it's a very good write,personally. Some punctuation stuff was bugging me when I read this,and then the ending (which really isn't an ending at all) ticked me off. lol This poem had captivated me and my imagination and even my emotions...which is quite surprising actually.

    "and off beat.
    pf
    of
    to and through."

    Had alot of trouble trying to figure that part out.I still kinda haven't yet. lol Um,you might wanna fix that. It really interrupts the flow of the poem.

    I have to go now,or esle I would leave a longer ccritique.

    Anyways,lovely poem!!Please tell me when you come up with an ending!

    <22
    | Posted on 2008-10-03 00:00:00 | by LRRolins | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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