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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rewinddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 268
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 637
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1472



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRewinddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A million sighs have left your lips, and dangle, guilty sharpened strips, mock our laughter soft and sweet, when we two were once complete;
    glancing coyly brazen smiles, a billion broken ‘all the while’s, where we talked and laughed and sang, stopped to listen how it rang, real as true love ever gets, how our heartaches were left in beds
    after nights of levity, stars and rough wool left to flee-
    a broken buzzing memory, buzzing burning deep in me.

    I'm standing in that dashing place- where I last beheld your face, where we last loved straight and true, where my heart was left with you.

    A year or two has passed us by, cut off with another sigh, weary world has kept us ‘part, leaving love’s an early art, left in dust yet used ‘til dry,
    dry as eyes none left to cry, they cried until they had to die- die away where they lie, hidden beneath iron lid, closed away from all they hid;
    dreaming away the demons dark, dreaming forth the rose and lark, the soft and sweet that made complete,
    past and sadness left to mold, taken from the days of old.

    waking up can be so tough, when we two see life so rough, woolen masks of dreadful woes, left with all the ‘time to go’s-
    when we only want escape, to find a way, rewind the tape.
    To go back to the start again and find a way to not have ‘when’, stay as two and never part, avoid the fated broken heart.




    Submitted on 2008-10-05 20:41:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "true as true love truly gets"..... is a great line, to have used something else would have broken its simple honesty............... "true as true love truly gets, how our heartaches were left in beds"......... see what I mean

    "glancing coyly brazen smiles" ....... nice use of words here

    good work CourtneyLynne col13x
    | Posted on 2008-10-06 00:00:00 | by col13x | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem could do with some better line breaks. I love the flow of it though. You really do have fantastic rhythm and your rhyming is very well done. It seems effortless.

    true as true love truly get

    I think you would benefit from one less true in this.

    virtuous as true love truly gets?
    sincere as true love really gets?

    I don't know. Play around with it. Or just keep it. Up to you.

    Some of your words seemed a bit forced. Like you had a word and went to rhyme.com to find another word that rhymed with it. Levity and dashing seem out of place.


    Wonderful read though, I enjoyed it. Thanks.

    -René


    P.S. I think the fact that I was listening to Explosions in the Sky's Magic Hours might have made this that much better.
    | Posted on 2008-10-06 00:00:00 | by Renè Magrete | [ Reply to This ]


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