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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jackets.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 700
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1095



    Description:
       Kind of...weird.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJackets.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Breathing in the liquid prose
    livid broken flaming dose
    sparking flames down her throat
    mimic patterns in her coat
    a jacket worthy of a fool,
    a jacket worthy of a tool,
    used and broken accordingly
    dashed and twisted suitably
    used by users with a plan
    to take the heart right from her hand
    and rip it up without a blink,
    without thinking of the stink
    a broken hearted girl can make
    the effort losing love can take
    take a toll on how you run
    run through life stealing fun
    in the jacket of a fool,
    in the jacket of a tool,
    in the shambles of a life
    filled with people bent on strife
    bent on making memories
    bent on twisting melodies
    to satisfy the latest mess
    to signify their latest stress
    and twist it round into your face
    and disappear without a trace,
    leaving you ‘lone there with your coat
    leaving somewhere else to gloat
    imposed patterns stuck to you
    stuck like rubber onto glue.




    Submitted on 2008-10-05 20:44:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I actually went ahead and read this out loud for a bit; great rhythm and flow~ A few tricky tongue-tricks and voilà, it was there.

    Actually, perhaps the double sentences almost break the rhythm and the end is different as well. Nothing bad though.

    I particularly liked this part:

    a broken hearted girl can make
    the effort losing love can take
    take a toll on how you run
    run through life stealing fun

    I notice most of your work flows a bit like this and I'm a fan of surreal images like that. So yay for more. :)
    | Posted on 2010-04-08 00:00:00 | by Urisen | [ Reply to This ]
      i enjoyed the poem, i liked the rhyming but there is a part where you end rhyme three words, (was that maybe a mistake?)

    in the jacket of a fool,
    in the jacket of a tool,
    an original way of describing someone who has been used, let down and then discarded.sometimes it turns out that the other person was the real fool, realizing the mistake far to late.
    i have been in this situation myself, and it suck,s.
    thanks for sharing
    take care
    ger
    | Posted on 2008-10-07 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]
      Mmmm....you do very well with this, except for the fact that you randomly rhyme three words instead of two. I'm just ...not sure as to why you would do that, there is no indication that there is going to be some change in the poem or anything. You just decide to rhyme three instead of two. It doesn't add anything to the poem, so I think maybe you should take out one of those, personally, the line "without a thought to the stink" I think it takes away more than it adds.

    Just some consideration. Do what you want with it. Its your poem.


    -René
    | Posted on 2008-10-06 00:00:00 | by Renè Magrete | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Very Good Job with this
    I really liked the topic and the flow is impecible
    It is true that all relationships leave lasting memories and those memories as hard as we may try to lose them never seem to fade
    Again Incredible work!!!
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writings and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-10-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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