Breakdown by dismentled

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Submission Name: Breakdown dots

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Author:	dismentled
ASL Info:	26/M/"South of Heaven"
Elite Ratio:	4.06 - 625/583/215
Words:	209

Class/Type:	Poetry/Venting
Total Views:	152
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1491

Description:

Breakdown dots

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Try to hide all these tears
that are washing over me
Try to hide all my fears
but the boogeyman's watching
All this pain, All these things
enveloping inside of me
Won't you please take your hand
and de-crucify thee!

Over&Over&Over again
words de-imaging
inside my head
I want to Break
I yearn to Scream
Find what's left, inside of me

It's a Breakdown
Just another, Breakdown
Let whatever's inside
Free to reign over me
It's hardly over
it's barely done
it seemed so beautiful
but I swear its no fun!

A caution
Discression
in here is advised
A promise never broken
lest the beautiful lie
you think that war
is what's ugly?
take a look inside
Now take a look at me

Pretentious
Demented
More dead
Than alive
Had I not been born
Perhaps I'd survive

A quest for solutions
in which I have none
An answer without meaning
The Prodigal pun

I'm tearing at my eyes
That are looking inside
I try not to smile
as it sees my demise
I promised the Reaper
the key to my mind
he took one look
and said "You're already mine"…

Submitted on 2008-10-09 14:43:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  WHOOOOAAA.... I am unsure where to begin! This is one of your best I have read so far! This certainly puts you on my top FAVS

A caution
Discression
in here is advised
A promise never broken
lest the beautiful lie
you think that war
is what's ugly?
take a look inside
Now take a look at me

this is amazing with the war on pples minds you used this and showed your reader that yes the war is nasty but just wait and look inside of me and then tell me which is worse BRILLIANCE!

Had I not been born
Perhaps I'd survive

Now this, this is a strong statement to be said! granted I love writing and have for many years and yet I have never been able to find words such as these that you have so perfectly placed! AMAZING

I promised the Reaper
the key to my mind
he took one look
and said "You're already mine"…

MY FAVORITE PART!!you certainly know how to save the best for last! using the "Reaper" has an understanding to your readers of all far your mind has really gone is just amazingly brilliant its unbelievable!!!!

Jackz

if i could put this on my Favs list a 10000000 times over I SOOOOO WOULD!!!
| Posted on 2009-08-15 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]
  well, this is still hard to read though :(
I'm going to attempt the whole 'objective' thing as to give you a decent comment, but know it'll probably be a little lacking becuase of that very point- I'll do my best though.

I wasn't too fond of the first stanza at all, it seemed forced- the second was the exact opposite though, so I can overlook that part :P.

"It's a Breakdown
Just another, Breakdown
Let whatever's inside
Free to reign over me
It's hardly over
it's barely done
it seemed so beautiful
but I swear its no fun!"

objectively, that's pretty kickass, as far as writing itself. it seemed so beautiful, but I swear it's no fun....I'm not sure if you've any idea how much that echoes into my mind, I think my soul recognizes it's million applicable meanings..

The next part reminded me of something the exies would sing, and not just because of the actual mention of ugly- it seemed like the literal voice of it was meant to be something like that; not sure if that was intentional or not but that's how it came off to me. Never pure disgust though, there's always some resounding anger or rage or bitterness or something else tinting it. just something i noticed about your writing in general.

"Pretentious
Demented
More dead
Than alive
Had I not been born
Perhaps I'd survive"
god...again. you REALLY don't give yourself enough credit. that tiny length of wording is easily more brilliant and well played out than anything I've ever written.

The ending...hm, a little stuck on what to say/advise there. In one sense it felt pretty right for the write itself, made sense, was a suitable ending, wasn't really too predictable- but something about it feels a little off to me. it could be just me though, i'm a little odd sometimes.

love you angel :)
-Jessie

| Posted on 2009-01-15 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  Awsome, im dead serious yo.
When i began to read it i was in kind of a terrible mood, it made me feel alot better..... theirs some type of subtle insanity going on it pretty amazingly written.

"It's a Breakdown
Just another, Breakdown
Let whatever's inside
Free to reign over me
It's hardly over
it's barely done
it seemed so beautiful
but I swear its no fun!"
you can feel the intensity of whats happening yet the words are so easily written.....
and then i got into in (i literally moved closer to the screen (=. i feel lyk a loser) after the subtle intensity the real "breakdown" description had me twisted in it....

"I'm tearing at my eyes
That are looking inside
I try not to smile
as it sees my demise
I promised the Reaper
the key to my mind
he took one look
and said "You're already mine"…"

then i actually started to laugh... i pretty much went insane just reading the poem. and i could inagine the whole thing with some dude sitting where the place it packed with people and he's going thrugh all of this in a split second....

it would be an awesome book.

Fana

| Posted on 2008-10-11 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]

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