Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where We Were Waywarddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: homeless
    ASL Info:    30
    Elite Ratio:    7.61 - 29/18/23
    Words: 24
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 656
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 201



    Description:
       This is a draft but I needed to save it... it somewhat popped into my head a day or so after pondering the ways we use alliteration.... I kind of like the fact that every word starts with a "W". Thoughts are always welcome and appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere We Were Waywarddots
    -------------------------------------------


    We warbled whimsically,
    while walking,
    wistfully we wandered
    with whiskey-wet whispers
    whereupon we wondered:
    Were we where we wonted?
    Were we where we wanted?




    Submitted on 2008-10-09 20:14:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hehehehe

    Alliteration can sometimes have a childlike feel, but this is mature and complex. I'm digging it. I have say though, I would suggest revising some of your punctuation (psst: whiskey-wet*). Personally, the first comma seems unnecessary, unless you want it for the pause it implies. Also, to me, it feels as though lines 3+ could be another sentence. If you're looking to keep away from periods, you could maybe switch the second comma to a semicolon (and speak of... something tells me that semicolon yonder should probably be a colon? Maybe??).

    This is somehow exciting to read (/geek). I love wordplay like you have in the last two lines. One of my favorite musicians is one of my favorites because he does that ("he goes down/egos down" ... "paralyze/pair of lies/pair of eyes" etc).

    And anything with wont/wonted gets brownie points
    (makes me think of wanton too, which is another brownie point)

    ~
    | Posted on 2008-10-10 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166672

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Hyle written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry