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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where We Were Waywarddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: homeless
    ASL Info:    30
    Elite Ratio:    7.61 - 29/18/23
    Words: 24
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 746
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 201



    Description:
       This is a draft but I needed to save it... it somewhat popped into my head a day or so after pondering the ways we use alliteration.... I kind of like the fact that every word starts with a "W". Thoughts are always welcome and appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere We Were Waywarddots
    -------------------------------------------


    We warbled whimsically,
    while walking,
    wistfully we wandered
    with whiskey-wet whispers
    whereupon we wondered:
    Were we where we wonted?
    Were we where we wanted?




    Submitted on 2008-10-09 20:14:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hehehehe

    Alliteration can sometimes have a childlike feel, but this is mature and complex. I'm digging it. I have say though, I would suggest revising some of your punctuation (psst: whiskey-wet*). Personally, the first comma seems unnecessary, unless you want it for the pause it implies. Also, to me, it feels as though lines 3+ could be another sentence. If you're looking to keep away from periods, you could maybe switch the second comma to a semicolon (and speak of... something tells me that semicolon yonder should probably be a colon? Maybe??).

    This is somehow exciting to read (/geek). I love wordplay like you have in the last two lines. One of my favorite musicians is one of my favorites because he does that ("he goes down/egos down" ... "paralyze/pair of lies/pair of eyes" etc).

    And anything with wont/wonted gets brownie points
    (makes me think of wanton too, which is another brownie point)

    ~
    | Posted on 2008-10-10 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]


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