Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where We Were Waywarddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: homeless
    ASL Info:    30
    Elite Ratio:    7.61 - 29/18/23
    Words: 24
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 721
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 201



    Description:
       This is a draft but I needed to save it... it somewhat popped into my head a day or so after pondering the ways we use alliteration.... I kind of like the fact that every word starts with a "W". Thoughts are always welcome and appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere We Were Waywarddots
    -------------------------------------------


    We warbled whimsically,
    while walking,
    wistfully we wandered
    with whiskey-wet whispers
    whereupon we wondered:
    Were we where we wonted?
    Were we where we wanted?




    Submitted on 2008-10-09 20:14:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hehehehe

    Alliteration can sometimes have a childlike feel, but this is mature and complex. I'm digging it. I have say though, I would suggest revising some of your punctuation (psst: whiskey-wet*). Personally, the first comma seems unnecessary, unless you want it for the pause it implies. Also, to me, it feels as though lines 3+ could be another sentence. If you're looking to keep away from periods, you could maybe switch the second comma to a semicolon (and speak of... something tells me that semicolon yonder should probably be a colon? Maybe??).

    This is somehow exciting to read (/geek). I love wordplay like you have in the last two lines. One of my favorite musicians is one of my favorites because he does that ("he goes down/egos down" ... "paralyze/pair of lies/pair of eyes" etc).

    And anything with wont/wonted gets brownie points
    (makes me think of wanton too, which is another brownie point)

    ~
    | Posted on 2008-10-10 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166672

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    untitled written by Chelebel
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Giving written by jjd
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Wavelength written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bond written by saartha
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Once Again written by krs3332003

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry