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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sanddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LadyInRed88
    ASL Info:    19/f/MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 131/180/32
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Misc/Venting
    Total Views: 930
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 616



    Description:
       Well... I haven't written in a long long time and it feels somewhat awkward, but at the same time it is a part of me I miss soooo dearly! Just getting some feelings out today!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSanddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Somehow I feel tainted
    Like a scroll of touching words of love and wisdom
    Coated with poison dust.
    Somehow I feel tattered
    Like my edges are no longer capable of sweetly slicing
    Your thick, callused skin.

    I feel airborne
    Like an illness...
    Airborne, but not soaring, not flying
    The disease of failure spread by wind.
    SomehowI am above it all
    and beneath potential...
    A silent, brooding storm
    Collecting thunder in my hands
    Until finally you will see me

    A bolt of lightning frozen into the sand




    Submitted on 2008-10-09 21:04:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok I think that this piece has great potential, but I also that that it needs some editing. The most obvious part is:

    "SomehowI am above it all"

    I think obviously this is supposed to go:

    "Somehow I am above it all"

    Beyond that, I think you should pay a little more attention to the way the piece flows. In the second line of the first stanza you repeat the word 'of' twice. For me when I was reading, the repitition of this word took away from what you were trying to say. I would try not using words for the sake of simply using them; rather make sure that each one has a known purpose. Any extra words you should get rid of, as it takes away from what you want to say.
    I'm not ripping you apart, I think that this poem could fantastic, and you did many things very well. I hope you consider the changes, and good luck on your future writing endeavors.

    Corbin
    | Posted on 2008-10-09 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]


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    166680

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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    January 10 07
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