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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Got Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ssssss
    Elite Ratio:    4.53 - 32/30/35
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 713
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 804



    Description:
       It's about lust!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Got Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    Light at the end of the tunnel
    seems so far away
    Everything in my life changes
    yet you are still
    that uncharted territory
    that lingering dream
    not fitting logically
    but always seeming to be
    the piece that's missing
    that I need to get back
    to feel happy and alive again

    You're like my favourite melody
    I can not think of you
    and feel nothing

    I see you
    and I tremble
    in fear of my desire
    so overpowering
    I have no control
    only trying to hide
    but I feel naked
    like I'm wearing transparent sheets

    You always read me
    like a book with no cover
    everything revealed
    according to your knowing glance




    Submitted on 2008-10-10 17:50:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I know this was meant to be a Love poem about a certain someone but to me it was a work of art reaching out to The Lord for Help
    We all go through our ups and downd but trust me once you invite Him into your Heart the pain is gone and life begins a new
    I swear to you Im not trying to Preach here Im just trying to explain to you the feeling I get reading this write

    Also Its totally up to you but Please if you dont mind change the picture your using as a header because we do have young children visiting this site and some may find it offense
    but I stress that is totally up to you
    Im just asking you to think about it
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-10-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      "Light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away", "the piece that's missing", and to a lesser extent "that uncharted territory" are all clichés that need to be taken out or reworded like "You always read me like a book with no cover"....'read me like a book' is terribly overused, but by adding the bit about no cover makes it just interesting enough to not cringe at. I think if you tweaked the others that I pointed out, they could help this poem sizzle.

    And since you included capitalization, I would suggest punctuation as well. Not only does it help the reader establish breaking points and emphasis, but it generally looks better overall.

    Keep pushing it.
    | Posted on 2008-10-10 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]


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