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    dots Submission Name: She Screameddots

    Author: dismentled
    ASL Info:    26/M/"South of Heaven"
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 625/583/217
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1230
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1523


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe Screameddots

    She screams as the blood
    Falls through her hands;
    All she wanted was love
    So she cries
    Cause no one can understand
    All she was, was not enough

    And the world keeps spinning
    Nothing really stopping
    Just a blip on the map
    That no one will see
    Daddy was her savior
    Daddy was a player
    Daddy was Everything
    She didn’t need

    She looks in the mirror
    Trying to see clearer;
    But gets dizzy and falls faint
    She was never perfect
    She was never worth it;
    Seeing now, blood stained pearly gates

    And the world keeps dying
    People keep on lying
    Say its love
    That makes it go around
    Mommy showed her love
    Cause mommy showed her hate
    Mommy showed her emptiness;
    Leaving her just couldn’t wait

    She hears the bells ringing
    Hears the angels singing;
    But it’s all in her head
    Tried to make a life
    Tried to make it right;
    Was she really just born dead?

    Black, her eternal canvass
    Only you can really save us
    There’s no light
    At the end of the road
    No shag-ri-la
    No Heaven, nor peace
    Forget whatever it is
    That you’ve been told

    She lies in a pool
    Of her salvation;
    Her heart finally gives away
    This is her message
    This is her meaning;
    Nothing left for her to say

    Submitted on 2008-10-11 15:57:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      As deeply sad as this is, I really loved it, not to sound too morbid :P (also re-writing this comment, since it logged me off while I was writing it and thus wouldn't submit my amazing comment T_T.)

    The flow was really terrific on this one, even more than most of your writes. That's especially impressive considering not only the short lines used, but the constant impact and meaning- there wasn't one particular spot that climaxed in meaning/impact so much so that it outshined every other part of the write. (given the kind of write and all, that not only shows a lot of talent on your part, but is probably pretty ideal too.)

    I was thinking about it, and as far as flow (and meaning) goes, I especially like this part;
    "She was never perfect
    She was never worth it;"

    than I thought about it some more, sound a tiny bit familiar? :P
    "I tried to be perfect,
    but nothing was worth it,
    I don't believe it makes me real"
    (sum 41)

    no worries though, nothing wrong with influences and inspiration (whether in the front of your mind or burried so far back they're not even noticed) shining through- happens to me all the damn time. in thought and in writing :)

    aside from that, this whole part flowed REALLY well for me;
    "She looks in the mirror
    Trying to see clearer;
    But gets dizzy and falls faint
    She was never perfect
    She was never worth it;"
    it definitely sounds like it's meant to be sung, like it would be wrong not to, and I love when writing/words transcend that line between writing itself and music so much so that they just instinctively come to me in the form of (or just with) music it makes me smile :)

    I love the overall sort of "backtheme" too, so to speak, I generally use that kind of thing to refer to something that seems like a whispering in the background as I'm reading. obviously the overall pain and worthlessness she felt shined on the surface, but you gave a lot of life to her character; there were definite undertones of whether life could really go on just as easily without her- whether she should be so unforgettable and trivial that life really COULD go on without skipping a beat without her. it added a nice effect to the tragedy.

    great stuff =] I really am sorry I didn't comment earlier hun, no joke though, I sat down a TON of times to and the comments I came up with just didn't feel good enough for the writing.

    I love you so much<3
    | Posted on 2009-01-15 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      This has so many different strong feelings yelling from the page. I found it immensely interesting- the mixture of psychological aspects and concrete images.
    | Posted on 2009-01-06 00:00:00 | by isis_lenore | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well. I loved it. It flowe well, like water through my mind. It painted a picture before my eyes and the emotion touched me deeply. This was fantastic. Keep up the great work, and I'll keep reading

    | Posted on 2008-10-12 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]

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