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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hold me close...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rubymoon
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 155/162/91
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Misc/Passion
    Total Views: 1054
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1183



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHold me close...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Welcome, come in my love…

    Wrap yourself around me dear,
    Hold me close… Keep me beside you

    I doubt there is anything like being with you
    So close together, almost one!
    And yet… two individuals

    Ever reaching and seeking to belong to each other
    But by being ourselves, we give the most…
    The most we can give to the each other,
    IS by being ourselves

    So ourselves we become, but…
    Keep us from speaking, achieved our silence by kisses
    Let us be quiet, letting only our hands speak to each other…
    Sprinkle kisses, as numerous as the stars
    Tracing an ever changing path, up and down seeking

    Seeking for pleasure or for relief?
    Which is which? Who knows or cares?
    Maybe it is for comfort we seek…
    Or merely the feel of each other

    Let us stroke passion till it burns high and bright
    Consuming all till only need is left
    Need, burning… heating… joining

    And after the peak… let it fade
    Fade into embers of warmth

    Let us stay here, tangled together my love




    Submitted on 2008-10-13 13:41:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First of let me clarify that I think that this is a splendid poem, and after re-reading it a few times my view on it has softened. That said, I still feel that the entire third stanza has this repetitive, forced feel. I can't put my finger on it, but that one stanza just leaves me wishing for something more.

    Great job overall though :) I am sure the person you gave this to loved it.
    | Posted on 2008-10-14 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]
      the earth moved
    | Posted on 2008-10-14 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought that this was a cute poem. Makes you wish you were back in the arms of a loved one, so I thank you for that. I would say that overall the poem is pretty good. I felt at times that it felt a bit forced and didn't flow quite as well as it could. But I have complete faith that with a little bit of editing this could turn out great.

    I always admire certainty when I read. If someone tells me. "This is the way it is. No questions." Rather than, "I think it is like this. It is possible that it is like this." So with that in mind I would look back at your third stanza and do something with the, "I doubt." For me that just left a sour taste in my mouth. Let me know if you make any changes, I'll be looking forward to reading them.

    Corbin
    | Posted on 2008-10-13 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    166806

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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