Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "hard-on rocks and..."dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: themoviesong
    ASL Info:    18
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 17/24/23
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 442
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 767



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"hard-on rocks and..."dots
    -------------------------------------------


    "hard-on rocks and playground scars"

    this is three years of concrete language sprawled against
    some abstract bridge of h-h-h-hard-on rock and black ice curls
    laid against your head
    laid against another playground scar on my left knee.

    three hundred days ago I asked you if you were real,
    and then I cut your concrete ribs open and asked if before we met
    there was something planted there (in the abstract) planted in Ė
    whether or not my wiped-out skin had anything to do with you, planted in Ė
    whether or not underneath our loverís bridge
    my concrete, concave could lay you down.
    straddling the concrete, Iíll lay these playground knees against yours.




    Submitted on 2008-10-13 16:40:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      so... unspecified

    I have read many of your writes (have not commented as my comments are mosty dribble)... but I have to say I love your voice. It is different, interesting, and not spelled out leaving the reader to come up with their own conclusions. As well, emotion is felt but not in an emo way... there is an undercurrent of, I guess that is what it is... but felt just the same without being hit over the head.

    What I like here is the repetition and the internal rhyme. As well, the thought of playground knees... kinda that rough and tumble of play and hard knocks and being broken in at a young age to how life really is... playgrounds weren't always a pleasant thing. hmmmm

    anyhoo...

    interesting piece...

    sorry, no suggestions.





    | Posted on 2008-10-13 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166808

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Love written by saartha
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Are not cheap (working title) written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Azores written by poetotoe
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Cover written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Brigit written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry