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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Seedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Strawberryjynx
    ASL Info:    22, f, my room
    Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 7/7/7
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 798
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 583



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Seedots
    -------------------------------------------


    See this hurt, inside my heart
    you are the cause of it.
    See these scars upon my soul,
    know, you are the cause of it.
    See the tears that burn my eyes,
    you have put them there.
    See my blood shed on the ground,
    you have put it there.
    See the pleading within my eyes,
    still you turn away.
    See my hands they reach for you,
    yet, still you turn away.
    See the hope that hasn't died,
    I wish you'd turn away.
    See the love I could never hide,
    I wish you'd turn away.




    Submitted on 2008-10-16 21:01:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey there,

    I thought overall this was a decent poem that showed potential.

    However, I felt there was too much repetition. I know that repetition was intentionally part of the poem's pattern, but I think ending two lines with "you are the cause of it"; two with "there"; and four lines with "turn away" was just too much.

    I thought the "see" lines were good, but the lines that followed them were poor. I feel more variation was needed in these lines.

    I'm not slagging it off though, I've given it a "3", but it could've easily been a "4".

    -Alex
    | Posted on 2008-10-17 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


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