Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Seedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Strawberryjynx
    ASL Info:    22, f, my room
    Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 7/7/7
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 748
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 583



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Seedots
    -------------------------------------------


    See this hurt, inside my heart
    you are the cause of it.
    See these scars upon my soul,
    know, you are the cause of it.
    See the tears that burn my eyes,
    you have put them there.
    See my blood shed on the ground,
    you have put it there.
    See the pleading within my eyes,
    still you turn away.
    See my hands they reach for you,
    yet, still you turn away.
    See the hope that hasn't died,
    I wish you'd turn away.
    See the love I could never hide,
    I wish you'd turn away.




    Submitted on 2008-10-16 21:01:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey there,

    I thought overall this was a decent poem that showed potential.

    However, I felt there was too much repetition. I know that repetition was intentionally part of the poem's pattern, but I think ending two lines with "you are the cause of it"; two with "there"; and four lines with "turn away" was just too much.

    I thought the "see" lines were good, but the lines that followed them were poor. I feel more variation was needed in these lines.

    I'm not slagging it off though, I've given it a "3", but it could've easily been a "4".

    -Alex
    | Posted on 2008-10-17 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    166949

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Love written by saartha
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Records I written by Raphael
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    You read free written by poetotoe
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Every..... written by jackz
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Fasade written by jackz

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry