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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Though Idots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ThisIsReal
    ASL Info:    25-M-/Found
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 182/194/89
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 716
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 591



    Description:
       new, odd, enjoyable. says alot without saying much


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThough Idots
    -------------------------------------------


    Though the town burns behind me
    i sing of the one i love
    Though blood stains my hands
    in them i hold my heart
    Though my face is scarred
    i still smile for her
    Though my skin is blackened
    i glow in her presence
    Though the world trembles at my feet
    she stands beside me
    Though i have darkened this world
    she holds a light
    Though i am ablaze
    she brings forth the rain
    Though my life is forever night
    she brings my dawn
    Though I am hell incarnate
    she alone is my heaven




    Submitted on 2008-10-18 07:11:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked the first 4 lines than it turned into something slightly different.
    Personally I find poems that are all "Look how much I love you" not very enjoyable.
    Perhaps it's because I'll never find that.

    But I think that this part holds a tremendous amount of potential:
    "Though the town burns behind me
    i sing of the one i love
    Though blood stains my hands
    in them i hold my heart"
    I like it.

    -Elissa
    | Posted on 2009-02-10 00:00:00 | by KillSpoon | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it.

    "Though i am ablaze
    she brings forth the rain"
    Is my fav line.

    On that note, I would like to mention that it seems like you are forcing it. Don't. Just let it come.

    | Posted on 2008-10-30 00:00:00 | by demolitionlover | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Deep and Very well worded Love Poem
    One can easily feel the undying Love you have for this person with every word
    This is written very well and to be Honest I see no flaws in the rhythm of this poem
    Its pure art straight from the Heart
    The kind of Poetry I Truly Love
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-10-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea behind this poem. It really spoke to me though it could be because i'm going through pretty much a bad time right now and this just made me hope happy ending can come true. i dont know why b/c this didn't have a happy ring to it but thatswhat i got out of it. good work. Joanna
    | Posted on 2008-10-21 00:00:00 | by heartless_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree,it needs to be re-worked,its a good concept you have here,but it should be more original

    see things like: hell incarnate blackened forever night etc

    I know this sounds like the most pretentious thing to say but you really have to earn those words if you dont want your poem to sound like a metal song,I dont think you pulled it off but there is a lot of potential in this piece

    once again good concept,just maybe a little more work needed

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2008-10-21 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good starting point. You have laid a foundation here; you need to build something grand upon it.

    As is this is not bad, but I wouldn't say it was great either. I am not sure if I would try to re-work the piece (we I probably wouldn't cause once my work is done it is done) or if I would start anew with the same thoughts and feelings in mind.

    Sorry if it feels like I am taking a dump in your fruity pebbles, but keep in mind I don't bother commenting on pieces that stink so bad they should not be read near an open flame. I only comment if I like something, or if it holds potential.
    | Posted on 2008-10-18 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    167034

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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