Branek’s Guide to Better Necromancy.: making them NOT dead. We study reanimation for years, and spend hours chanting spells and entwining the coils of life into the festering flesh of even the most
In the current age in which we live at this moment in time, the ability to distinguish yourself from others is axiomically imperative. There are many avenues you can choose to explore, and necromancy is not only one of them, it is in fact several.
Let me start by squashing a few commonly held misconceptions and myths about necromancy, and its subsidiary annexes and
Myth: Necromancy is black magic. This is entirely false, and a result I presume, of a retarded sense of logic in all non-necromancers, who we refer to as 'Vanilla'. Necromancers wear black, this is a fact. The reason for this is not a result of the color of our souls and/or the magic that permeates them, no. It is because black is stylish, and
doesn't show stains quite as clearly as, say, white. This is very important because a necromancer's image must simply scream "EVIL DEATH-MAGIC PERSON" at the top of its lungs, and I mean this literally. Though most of the spells we cast involve the simple warping of reality, we do love to brew potions. In secret. At night. Because of the thick, gooey veil of secrecy that comes with our potion brewing, we would not want any evidence of said activities to be apparent either immediately or in the near/distant future. Furthermore, magic is colorless, so therefore cannot be black, white, yellow, navy, red - whatever your favorite color may be, I'm afraid magic is not one of them.
Myth: Necromancers won't kill you. I honestly don't know how this rumor got started, because there is insurmountable evidence to the contrary. Necromancer, in name alone, literally means "Someone that will kill you". Everything we learn in necromancy school is geared towards helping us kill people more painfully, efficiently and visually spectacularly. Let me give you an example. We have the ability to "leech" "life" from "victims". Why would necromancers have such an ability if we didn't kill people? Leeching is the process of stealing someone's life, without which, they'd be dead. Case closed.
Myth: Necromancy is sexual intercourse with things that are not alive. This is wrong wrong wrong!!! Necromancers do spent a lot of time in, near, and/or around graveyards, but at no time do we partake in dalliances with the dead. One of the fundamental aspects of necromancy is raising the dead, i
rotten of corpses. Then we fuck them.
Now that all confusion regarding necromancers, necromancy, and necromancies have been quelled, I will provide the budding necromancer with some useful tips that, if followed, will not only ensure eternal happiness, god-like power and significant financial gain, but will infuse a sense of deep cosmic understanding in the individual which will cancel out the need for any of the fore mentioned benefits.
Starting Out - Is necromancy right for me?
Yes, it is.
Getting Established - How do I learn necromancy?
This is the single most difficult part of being a necromancer: learning stuff. As an ignorant, feeble minded initiate, you can't be expected to comprehend the vast intricacies of the universe's law, so the learning process will begin slowly. Undergraduate classes in all necromancy schools generally adhere to the following curriculum:
-How to avoid accidental decapitation (introductory course).
-Black cloak styling'.
-The staff: a necromancer's bestest friend in the whole wide world!
-What not to eat.
-Establishing your necromancer scowl.
-How to threaten people creatively.
-Who's your daddy?
-Say, just what the heck is death anyway?
Beginning the learning process - What do I need to become a necromancer?
Now you know what kinds of things you'll be learning about at necromancy school, the time has come for you to begin. Firstly, and most importantly: find yourself a staff. It must be a real staff, broken branches do NOT count under any circumstances whatsoever (unless you are a member of a minority group in which case exceptions will be made on a case by
case basis). The best place to find a staff is in a staff store (I recommend "Staff Only", don't let the sign on the door fool you, anyone's allowed in). You may find your senses inundated with sheer staff-related possibility in such a place, but you must learn to focus; your will shall guide you to the staff you were meant to wield with pride! Failing this, a courteous and helpful sales assistant will most certainly assist you in making your decision.
!!!THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: IF YOU PICK THE WRONG STAFF YOU WILL DIE HORRIBLY!!!
But Branek, I hear you ask, how will I know which is the right staff for me? This is very simple: upon having picked a staff, if it doesn't immediately become maleable and begin to attempt to force entry into your anus, whereupon it will feed on the ooze within, congratulations, you're totally on your way to becoming a necromancer!
You're Ready to Begin! - But what can you teach me that I won't learn in school, huh?
First of all, lose the attitude. Once you've done that, I'll tell you that there are some things they simply can not teach you in school, due in large part to ridiculous laws. But learning the hard
way is hard, and things that are hard (for reasons other than rigor mortis - more on that later) are bad. I've experienced unfathomable hardship in my life, and all of it has made me the twisted, soul killing harlot who experiences paroxysms of joy upon sowing chaos and anarchy, and reaping bountiful crops of death and mutilation I am today. To help save you from outgunning me, literally and metaphorically, I feel I must impart some tidbits of wisdom I learnt the hard way. Take this advice, because if you don't, I'll fucking kill you.
-Raising the dead is a great way to kill time and people, but for the love of all that is evil, DIG THEM UP FIRST. I've been buried alive enough times to know how hard it is to escape when entombed under 6 feet of dirt in a small wooden box. It's all well and good to have an army of undead minions at your disposal, just make sure they're not trapped
-Rigor Mortis is a necromancer's 'pity' friend. Here's why. In the heat of battle, one cannot always be expected to keep a firm hold of his/her/its staff. Without a staff, we're pretty useless, but here's a little tip that may one day save your life! Dead bodies going through rigor mortis make superb conduits for the negative energies that give us our power, our prestige, and our glory. Once, I was in a great battle. And by that I don't mean I've only been in one battle, you wiseass son of a bitch, I mean that I am simply recounting a single event. Anyway, in the midst of the widespread chaos and violence, an eagle swooped down, presumably from the sky, in an attempt to ensnare me in its powerful, sharp talons and rip my flesh to shreds before sending me plummeting piece by piece to the ground below. But I managed to think quickly, and thrust my staff right in its hindquarters, or whatever the 'bird' equivalent of
hindquarters is. Well, I must have shoved a bit too hard because the darn thing got
lodged so far in, I couldn't remove it! I'm generally very cool, calm and collected, but I must admit at this point I started to get a little worried. A bloodthirsty human appeared at my 6oclock, ready to end my corrupt existence once and for all! But again, I thought quickly, and grabbed the nearest thing at my disposal: the corpse of a brutally slain man! I swung it as hard as I could right in the human's face, and everything just ELODED. As I sat there, the
ground around me rent and seething, I mused at the twisted sense of irony fate seems to have. ...Basically, my point is: stiffs can be used as staves. I would only consider this to be an emergency bailout option, however, because if
you've ever tried lugging a corpse with you everywhere you went, you'd know why I have certain issues with it.
-Fire burns indiscriminately, so be careful you twit.
-Learning new spells is a fun, exciting and just downright giddy thing for any necromancer to partake in the doing of. Just remember: every spell you learn was conceived by someone else. So why not make up your own spells? You need
to be creative here, because the last thing we need is countless facsimiles of the exact same spells. It's not up to me though, to impose boundaries on your creativity, just as long as you are striving for originality. Being able to make flowers wilt can be fun while prancing gaily through a dewy meadow, but why stop there? If you can make a flower wilt, why not do the opposite and make it extremely firm? They can then be used as weapons. Why not pick your significant other a beautiful bouquet of deadly death flowers? It's the perfect gift. Affordable, practical, pretty and deadly.
-Let a smile be your umbrella.
I hope you've learnt a thing or two about the finer art of necromancing, but really, the power is YOURS. Once indoctrinated into the nature of the universe, the best necromancers are invariably the ones who learn through experience. Experience, experience, experience. Experience. Without experiencing things, you'll never really cross that fine line between intelligence and wisdom, and that would be a real shame because I'd laugh at you, and I'm sure
that would hurt your feelings and make you cry. You don't want that to happen, do you?
Well, I've run out of time, patience, energy, thoughts, ideas, and self respect, so I'm going to finish this little guide with this sentence.