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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Future Foe Scenariosdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    18/M/Ohio State
    Elite Ratio:    6.06 - 174/189/127
    Words: 291
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 168
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1746



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFuture Foe Scenariosdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Half a block back we passed a pipe from seat to seat in suit:
    Just me and you in your junk of a car newly painted blue
    We drew a pretty picture with smoke on foggy window-panes
    Rock & roll like rhythmic soul to start a fire under me
    We shook so explicitly illicit the car cried out in shock
    We breathed out and in the sin of the substance underneath our nails
    De-railed like a train drifting off to different planes of thought
    Spot on or off depending on the impending fall of Microsoft stock
    Blaring music out into the night, tires squealing so surreal
    So feel me feeling you while we both struggle to break away
    And live and love again another day

    Ahead of me is an iris staring blankly back
    Reflecting me in all my glorified naked nothingness
    She cries sometimes, and can hint that vibe
    From the gleam and the glint of her soft hued eyes
    Empty but full of everything I couldn’t be
    I tried for her, and that is more than most can say
    Lets both toast to yesterday, tomorrow never came
    Paths all meeting, in our greeting we both knew
    That day by day our hellos were tied to a goodbye
    Numbered steps in perfect sequence
    We could've been so much

    Worlds turn over and over like crashing waves
    So quickly does present give its way to future woe
    Looking ahead uncertain at the falling curtain scenario
    We both know that it’s colder now than it was a year ago
    Your heart grows older as our world turns over
    And I think of you as you think of me
    The beginning of the end




    Submitted on 2008-10-27 02:30:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i have to agree.. you really have something good going on in the first stanza in fact i as a reader can relate and feel the mood of that time that you were describing. however at first it falt like a story-like poem which are the kinds i tend to love but then in the second stanza it seems as if you're just putting words from the dictionary together without much originality... it tends to get a bit cliché at a certain point

    but the first stanza was brilliant i must say

    keep writing
    kat
    | Posted on 2008-11-16 00:00:00 | by moonlitsky | [ Reply to This ]
      Your first stanza was fantastic. You description there were very well done. I fealt like I was in the car with you (not with you, but present, uh akward nevermind) You showed real potential there and i really like what you did with that first stanza. I think you will definitly write some good stuff in the futre.

    Thre second and third stanza you loose me though, and you go away from your vibrint description and just kind of ramble. I would have like to have seen you do more with the car scene and make kinda a short story out of it, or something.

    Anyways, very enjoyable though, good work.
    | Posted on 2008-10-28 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]


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