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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: We Stretched Our Hands Forth into the Heavensdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dear
    Elite Ratio:    2.9 - 8/16/19
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 820
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 873



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWe Stretched Our Hands Forth into the Heavensdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You dawned upon us,
    like the new sun,
    like a new sun.
    Your rays they covered all of us,
    like those of the sun's.
    We felt happy you were here,
    and now you're gone, you disappeared.
    We raised our hands to the skies,
    but you were not there.
    Whenever we reached for you,
    you took our hands in yours,
    but your hands are no longer near.
    We shed our tears not out of loss,
    but out of fear.
    They buried your body under the snow,
    and for the first time I knew what it meant,
    to be cold.
    And when I cried I pictured your face,
    but no voice came to mind.
    I'm sorry dear friend, where did I go?
    I stretch forth my hands into the Heavens,
    and found that I am deaf and blind...
    to reason, to reason, change and season.




    Submitted on 2008-10-29 20:24:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "You dawned upon us,
    like the new sun,
    like a new sun.
    Your rays they covered all of us,
    like those of the sun's.
    We felt happy you were here,
    and now you're gone, you disappeared.
    We raised our hands to the skies,"

    Uhm the "like the new sun, like a new sun," seems to be border line repetitive. I believe just one of them would work just as well.

    This sounds like a christan song i use to sing in youth group, i dont remember it exactly but it's the "we raise our hands" but i think it went "we raise our hands to the lord." or something i dont know its been awhile since i've done anything like that.....for a good reason too.

    also this kinda reminds me of flyleaf ^_^

    "but you were not there.
    Whenever we reached for you,
    you took our hands in yours,
    but your hands are no longer near.
    We shed our tears not out of loss,
    but out of fear.
    They buried your body under the snow,
    and for the first time I knew what it meant,
    to be cold."

    wow i love how you bring in emotion along with the senses i believe that draws in readers more so if you can find a way to have them relate and to have them feel apart of what is being written, it seems to effect them more profoundly than a cold detachment of words written for the thought of profit.

    "And when I cried I pictured your face,
    but no voice came to mind.
    I'm sorry dear friend, where did I go?
    I stretch forth my hands into the Heavens,
    and found that I am deaf and blind...
    to reason, to reason, change and season."

    i like what you have done here, though this isn't my favorite stanza of the piece, you seem to have written a very well self explanatory type poem and it's well done honey

    Nice Job

    ~Nikki
    | Posted on 2009-03-01 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


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