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    dots Submission Name: comorbiditydots

    Author: dismentled
    ASL Info:    26/M/"South of Heaven"
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 625/583/217
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Gothic
    Total Views: 1260
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1133

       my own rewrite. wrote it once, and the comp didn't agree with it, this is the best i could recall

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    All the Rage
    All the Pain
    All of this
    makes her insane!

    loved her mommy
    worshiped daddy
    loved her doggy;
    they all raped her

    OF her mind
    Of her soul
    of everything
    that made her whole!

    No one knows
    whats its like
    No one cares;
    they can't be her

    She screams loudly
    She screams soundly
    filled with rage;
    all in her mind!

    she can't escape
    her own prison
    she can't escape
    from her own mind

    she thinks of dreams
    and cries of these
    but no one see's
    tears that run dry

    yet her heart
    still it beats
    like it would
    for you or me

    All this flesh
    is just a shell
    entrapping its host
    never letting free

    she knew this
    way too soon
    now she's stuck
    stairing in her

    awaiting nothing
    awaitng everything
    inciting her own

    Submitted on 2008-11-02 02:24:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      now, this didn't flow as well- but it seemed to fit the point; the raw, almost choked out feel of some spots and the fiercely quick pace of others. like there's this constant mix of rage and despair and an odd sense of confusion each begging for attention throughout the write.

    I liked it, the entire way through it felt like a visual assault, definitely no rest for cross stops. It'd be an interesting movie scene, a small series of intense flashbacks, maybe at the beginning of the movie. Sort of like in the crow when he touched certain things, except about x10 more intense and x10 more fast paced as well. All in all not a bad write at all =] feels good to be reading your stuff more again- I've read everything you've ever posted at least once already, but yeah.

    all my love<3,

    | Posted on 2009-01-15 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece is just too awesome. rhymes way sweet.

    "she can't escape
    her own prison
    she can't escape
    from her own mind"

    im feelin these lines rule

    "All this flesh
    is just a shell
    entrapping its host
    never letting free"

    rip n rot

    | Posted on 2008-11-26 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]

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