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    dots Submission Name: The Night Crashesdots

    Author: Anneboleyn707
    ASL Info:    18/Female/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    3.96 - 44/84/67
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 929
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 833


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Night Crashesdots

    When the night crashes

    Truth falters,

    All around us

    This world alters,

    All around us;

    Our reckless mistakes

    And people grow colder

    One glance,

    And it's over

    Don't call me unless

    We both have something to say

    Missing you wholly

    Just tonight

    And it's done

    No more shame

    To run over

    False shadows we left

    Clocks ticking faster

    Long past

    This disaster

    Cut out your name

    Make this fiction


    As fast as it came

    Submitted on 2008-11-09 16:19:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hm... It's ok I guess. I liked the ending. The rest of the poem could be a bit better. I really don't like the repetition of this line: All around us. It doesn't make sense in this context. The flow of the poem could also be a bit better. It feels too disjointed and it's not just the double spacing. I feel like you tried to emulate some procedures but you didn't manage to do it 100%. You need to find your own rhythm. When you write you should forget about any poem you ever read and use your own memories as impulses and your own dreams as inspiration. Keep on writing!

    P.S. I really like your pic, you seem like a fun person.
    | Posted on 2008-11-11 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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