I knew the mother-in-law Mary was due to come round,
As so did the kids, who went to ground.
The mice in the house all jumped on the traps,
Whilst the dog went into a stage relapse.
The wife shouted for me from upstairs, "Go pick her up chuck".
"No chance dear, don't want people thinking I'm driving a cattle truck."
So I sent for a taxi, and cemented the step,
And the wife started the lunch along with all the prep.
She finally arrived and the neighbours were all at war,
Six of them were kicking hell out of her whilst she was on the floor.
The wife screamed for me to go lend a hand,
But told her that six would be enough, and it turned out grand.
Once sat in the kitchen she told us stories of medical woe,
And about the Doctor's where she had to go.
She asked the doctor what she should take for being run down,
" Try taking the licence plate number, and take it down town."
She had told us of how her Hysterectomy was done,
And whilst there about the raffle she had entered and won.
She was very unlucky as the prize was a pram,
A years supply of nappies, and two tins of Spam.
She had put her husband forward as a goalie, in the local advertising pages,
Only because she had not scored with him in god -damn ages.
She asked the Doctor about the new tablet called Viagra,
"Why call it this?" She exclaimed, "After it falls it should be called Niagara."
"Mary did you tell him about you being ugly, and such a great talker,
As you need to darling ,you have had to hire a stalker.
God knows women you're so fat and unable to settle,
You couldn't get a whistle off a boiling kettle."
"Well if that's your attitude I am going off home,"
"Alright Mary, but this time your walking, to loose a few stone".