[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Offensedots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 264


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Trades made for the benifit
    characterized by what we want
    a train rattles on and claims the forward direction
    mills and factories produce
    and take a drag
    and blow
    in your face and the faces of your fathers

    Submitted on 2008-11-09 20:37:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A comment on the offense mother nature is feeling about our industrialized capitalism?
    | Posted on 2008-12-25 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say I was a little disappointed by this, having just read your most recent submission, which was very good.

    I felt this piece was rather bland and lifeless. I understand what you're trying to convey, but I feel this could be expressed a lot better.

    My only advice would be to take the idea and incorporate it into something new, as I feel this work was poor. Sorry!
    | Posted on 2008-12-05 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      Happy Day! For me this piece was like a puff of our economy here in the US. Misuse - misguided direction, etc.

    Short and to the point but with some abstract thought!

    love,peace,joy,abundance & smiles to share
    tif ~*~
    | Posted on 2008-11-10 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      So. Allusions to The Dark Tower.

    It reads to me like it was written for the express purpose of alluding to that series.

    Other than that, I get the idea of making choices against things that we want and how it all is like someone blowing smoke in your face. Insulting. Offense, thus title.

    I don't find it interesting. I would remove the most obvious allusion to The Dark Tower, the last line can work just as easily if it were, "in your face".

    The train works, I get the allusion, but even without the allusion it holds. You have used trains as a metaphor in a few (at least one) of your other pieces. Have you considered trying to weave all the pieces together since they all have similar imagery and metaphor?

    I feel like I'm just reading a rehash/summary of some of your longer and more interesting pieces.
    | Posted on 2008-11-09 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by ShyOne
    The World written by jjd
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    prison written by ShyOne
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Love written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]