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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Offensedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 663
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 264



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOffensedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Trades made for the benifit
    characterized by what we want
    a train rattles on and claims the forward direction
    mills and factories produce
    and take a drag
    and blow
    in your face and the faces of your fathers





    Submitted on 2008-11-09 20:37:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A comment on the offense mother nature is feeling about our industrialized capitalism?
    | Posted on 2008-12-25 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say I was a little disappointed by this, having just read your most recent submission, which was very good.

    I felt this piece was rather bland and lifeless. I understand what you're trying to convey, but I feel this could be expressed a lot better.

    My only advice would be to take the idea and incorporate it into something new, as I feel this work was poor. Sorry!
    | Posted on 2008-12-05 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      Happy Day! For me this piece was like a puff of our economy here in the US. Misuse - misguided direction, etc.

    Short and to the point but with some abstract thought!

    love,peace,joy,abundance & smiles to share
    tif ~*~
    | Posted on 2008-11-10 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      So. Allusions to The Dark Tower.

    It reads to me like it was written for the express purpose of alluding to that series.

    Other than that, I get the idea of making choices against things that we want and how it all is like someone blowing smoke in your face. Insulting. Offense, thus title.

    I don't find it interesting. I would remove the most obvious allusion to The Dark Tower, the last line can work just as easily if it were, "in your face".

    The train works, I get the allusion, but even without the allusion it holds. You have used trains as a metaphor in a few (at least one) of your other pieces. Have you considered trying to weave all the pieces together since they all have similar imagery and metaphor?

    I feel like I'm just reading a rehash/summary of some of your longer and more interesting pieces.
    | Posted on 2008-11-09 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


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