I left my heart in Jersey.
It's being carried away by the gulls,
Dropped in the icy Atlantic
Falling asleep to its lulls.
It's wandering the boardwalk,
Picking flowers from the fields.
Forever basking in the sunsets,
While for the Devil it yields.
I left my heart in Jersey,
Not sure when I will return.
But so long as it's with Jersey,
My empty chest shall burn.
| This is very sentimental, in a good way. It describes the how a place can capture our hearts and remain in our thought s long after we've left it. I think S1 & S2 are strong, but S3 needs some work to catch up. Also, overall, eliminate the "ing" form of verbs.|
Suggestions: S1 Tenses. Keep it in the past tense. You start out "I left" - past tense, so keep it that way. In L2 you don't need "It's being."
S2 - Drop the "ing" form. "You can say "It wandered," "picked," and "basked."
S3 - This stanza, in comparison to the first two strong verses, needs a new idea, something as original as the others, some last idea of Jersey's atrraction and a hope to return.
Overall: very enjoyable, some real originality shown, a subtle picture of the Jersey shore. I liked it.
|| Posted on 2008-11-17 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] || This is simple, to the point and kind of sweet. You use a good choice of words.|
I have family in NJ and I've visited there quite a few times. I definitely remember the boardwalk and staying out there until pretty late, watching the sun set.
I hope you get to go back soon as you can definitely tell through your poem that NJ is a place where you find comfort.
I don't have much for criticisms on the poem, I'm sorry to say. The poem made its point really well. Good job
|| Posted on 2008-11-12 00:00:00 | by jaramae | [ Reply to This ] |