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    dots Submission Name: This Torturing Pain, Oh Mydots

    Author: DemonofHeaven
    ASL Info:    20/Female/Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    6.28 - 53/46/34
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 709
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 981


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    dotsThis Torturing Pain, Oh Mydots

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    Every second of every day
    You are the only one on my mind

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    Will it ever cease?
    Can I stop having you on my mind?

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    Bottling everything inside
    But still thinking of you in my mind

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    Can I ever move on?
    Will you cease to be in my mind?

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    Our chance has been lost
    But there is no stopping of my mind

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    Is your existence even real?
    How were you an imagination of my mind?

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    I can not go anywhere without you
    You kept in tact my mind

    This torturing pain, Oh my
    How did I ever survive?
    Is there a survival instinct in tact my mind?

    This torturing pain, Oh my

    Submitted on 2008-11-12 14:25:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The only thing I could possibly nitpick about this is that pain cannot be tortured.
    It can be torturous.
    It can be torturing.
    It can be torture.

    But it can't be tortured.

    you decide to be metaphorical or something, and as you've lacked that stylism throughout the rest of the poem, you can't just ascribe human qualities to it -now- because it suits you.

    Pain cannot be tortured.
    That's just silly.
    | Posted on 2008-11-14 00:00:00 | by trouble | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you chose to have the line "This tortured pain, oh my" repeated. It really put an emphasis on how much pain you felt from or becuase of this person. I also know the feeling of feeling like someone was just your imagination, like they couldn't possibly have existed because it seems humanly impossible to feel this kind of pain over just one person. This poem does a swell (funny word) job of delivering that message. I like how you made it seem that this person was somehow trapped inside your mind and you can't get them out, no matter how hard you try. That truly is a terrible feeling to have, to want so badly to forget someone but not being able to. No matter how hard you try to forget about them, they are always brought up in your mind. This is overall a pretty good poem and it delivers its message nicely. I like it. Good job on it.
    | Posted on 2008-11-13 00:00:00 | by FlickerofHope | [ Reply to This ]

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