Description: Okay, It's edited! If there still something wrong feel free to tell me, we all need criticism!
The West Side Of Nowhere -------------------------------------------
In the broken and discarded
Places of the world
There lie pieces long forgotten;
Like childhood memories
So effervescent and fading.
In the dark and desolate crevices
Of a mind so lost
There lies back-allies and sidestreets.
Corners that few have turned;
Places that even the maker has shunned.
We stride down dusty roads
Calm and collect,
And like the fools we are,
We deny the use of a map.
So we keep walking
With our guns by our sides,
Prepared to shoot down the messenger
Or simply a passerby
Who was just passing through.
In the corners of our minds
We search for a shelter,
A hearth to call home.
Just a place
To tie up this horse
And rest our feet for awhile.
Maybe even have a drink
And a conversation worth our time.
But these places are few and far between
And rest doesn't come cheap
So I'll just saddle up,
Keep on looking,
And tip my hat to the dying sun.
Me and this old horse
Have a long road ahead
And we can't be bothered
With talk of rest and redemption.
So I'll just keep going
Following the horizon;
It's never steered me wrong before.
And if you ever find me
Coming through your town,
Please just offer me a drink
And a talk.
hey my spiffy little friend, its good to see youre back. anywho, as for the work... i like the images and the idea, but some small things kind of threw me off. First, the setup of this poem seemed somewhat choppy. I dont know... it read strangly in some spots (look at where you cut off your lines). Second, in about the 4th stanza, you went directly from saying ^we^ to saying ^i^... found that that wasnt a vey smooth transition -- kind of made me stumble along as i went over it. Otherwise, the content is good, the word choice superb, and the whole thing was awesome with its images. Kudos! Polish a few things up and let me know... Luv ya! dandan
So sorry, but my comment posted before I was done and it doesn't make any sense. I pasted in your first stanza and then a re arranged re write under it. Well what I was thinking is, as you wrote it, you have places lying in things instead of things lying in places. So I was suggesting a re arrangement of your words, not really a re write, but a re arrangement. The only other suggestion I had was in the third stanza if you changed passing through to passing by you pick up a nice little rhyme, if you liked it. Sorry bout using two posts. Dave
I'm looking at the first stanza, and I think you want to have it more like this:
In the broken and Discarded Pieces of the world There lie places long Forgotten. Like childhood memories, So effervescent And fading. There are places in the world where pieces lie broken and discarded lying long forgotten like childhood memories
i like the idea of the poem and the meaning is there, all the you need to do is polish it like you said, make it so that all the words flow more easlie. oh and "wayfairing traviler" you sould try shorting that to some thing els maybe passerby.
Okay people! I was trying to screw with the structure of ordinary poetry but I guess you people don't like it! Harumph! I'm going to go back and fix it now (or maybe I'll leave it just to spite you!...or not) so please come back and tell me what you think now.
this poem is awesome. i like the concept.. a lonely cowboy strolling through a ghost town trying to find a piece of mind... fueding with his violent nature at the same time. i like how you related that to trying to find sanity within ones self or your self... Rad poem!