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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The West Side Of Nowheredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1243
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1648



    Description:
       Okay, It's edited! If there still something wrong feel free to tell me, we all need criticism!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe West Side Of Nowheredots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the broken and discarded
    Places of the world
    There lie pieces long forgotten;
    Like childhood memories
    So effervescent and fading.

    In the dark and desolate crevices
    Of a mind so lost
    There lies back-allies and sidestreets.
    Corners that few have turned;
    Places that even the maker has shunned.

    We stride down dusty roads
    Calm and collect,
    And like the fools we are,
    We deny the use of a map.
    So we keep walking
    With our guns by our sides,
    Prepared to shoot down the messenger
    Or simply a passerby
    Who was just passing through.

    In the corners of our minds
    We search for a shelter,
    A hearth to call home.
    Just a place
    To tie up this horse
    And rest our feet for awhile.
    Maybe even have a drink
    And a conversation worth our time.
    But these places are few and far between
    And rest doesn't come cheap
    Or easy.

    So I'll just saddle up,
    Keep on looking,
    And tip my hat to the dying sun.
    Me and this old horse
    Have a long road ahead
    And we can't be bothered
    With talk of rest and redemption.

    So I'll just keep going
    Following the horizon;
    It's never steered me wrong before.
    And if you ever find me
    Coming through your town,
    Please just offer me a drink
    And a talk.

    That's all I'm looking for anyway.











    Submitted on 2004-07-09 11:55:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hey my spiffy little friend, its good to see youre back. anywho, as for the work... i like the images and the idea, but some small things kind of threw me off. First, the setup of this poem seemed somewhat choppy. I dont know... it read strangly in some spots (look at where you cut off your lines). Second, in about the 4th stanza, you went directly from saying ^we^ to saying ^i^... found that that wasnt a vey smooth transition -- kind of made me stumble along as i went over it. Otherwise, the content is good, the word choice superb, and the whole thing was awesome with its images. Kudos! Polish a few things up and let me know... Luv ya! dandan
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. I would have to agree with "sandburg," though. Sorry I can't offer more. I really like the part about shooting down the messenger.
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by Abby Sinthetic | [ Reply to This ]
      So sorry, but my comment posted before I was done and it doesn't make any sense. I pasted in your first stanza and then a re arranged re write under it. Well what I was thinking is, as you wrote it, you have places lying in things instead of things lying in places. So I was suggesting a re arrangement of your words, not really a re write, but a re arrangement. The only other suggestion I had was in the third stanza if you changed passing through to passing by you pick up a nice little rhyme, if you liked it. Sorry bout using two posts.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm looking at the first stanza, and I think you want to have it more like this:

    In the broken and
    Discarded
    Pieces of the world
    There lie places long
    Forgotten.
    Like childhood memories,
    So effervescent
    And fading.
    There are places in the world
    where pieces lie broken and discarded
    lying long forgotten
    like childhood memories
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the idea of the poem and the meaning is there, all the you need to do is polish it like you said, make it so that all the words flow more easlie. oh and "wayfairing traviler" you sould try shorting that to some thing els maybe passerby.
    | Posted on 2004-07-09 00:00:00 | by wretched_muse | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay people! I was trying to screw with the structure of ordinary poetry but I guess you people don't like it! Harumph! I'm going to go back and fix it now (or maybe I'll leave it just to spite you!...or not) so please come back and tell me what you think now.
    | Posted on 2004-07-13 00:00:00 | by ACircuitShock | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem is awesome. i like the concept.. a lonely cowboy strolling through a ghost town trying to find a piece of mind... fueding with his violent nature at the same time. i like how you related that to trying to find sanity within ones self or your self... Rad poem!
    | Posted on 2004-07-16 00:00:00 | by Ratmeat | [ Reply to This ]


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