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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: SAMHAINdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Linzi
    ASL Info:    24.f.wales
    Elite Ratio:    5.91 - 80/100/94
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 751
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1416



    Description:
       This is a Halloween poem, sorry it's like two weeks too late but I've just got back from holidays and I haven't had a chance to post it yet.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSAMHAINdots
    -------------------------------------------


    SAMHAIN

    O, 'tis the night of all hallows eve
    In which the demons can best deceive
    Unwitting folk and those naive
    On the festival of SAMHAIN!
    For those who think it's just a tale
    Will seldom hear the Banshee wail
    And cease to see the elderly pale
    For the passing of BELTANE.

    'Tis the night that fairy mounds
    Open, to release those deathly hounds
    So the unsellie may tread our grounds,
    On the evening of SAMHAIN!
    Thin is the veil when the hag steps through
    And, in the name of winter, turning blue
    All those who claim she not be true,
    In the absence of BELTANE.

    O, 'tis the night when the sluag fly
    To catch those victims doomed to die
    As fairies change to laughs their cry,
    On the night of dark SAMHAIN!
    Alas! A changeling takes their place
    Disguised by the mask that hides its face
    To run amok and cause ill grace,
    In the absence of BELTANE.

    'Tis the deceived who fail to retreat
    Or to acknowledge just how deep
    Runs the phrase of 'trick or treat?'
    On the evening of SAMHAIN!
    As for you, you have been warned
    To stay in doors 'til morning dawns
    And on the demons not to fawn,
    But mourn the passing of BELTANE.




    Submitted on 2008-11-14 15:18:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      1. When you copy and paste from word, you need to erase your apostrophes and retype them in the ES submission box. That way, you don't get those annoying symbol things.

    2. Overall Assessment?
    *sigh*

    Well... You asked for it:



    -Strophe2, Line1: the meter is wrong here, and I think maybe you know it... It's almost like you tacked "open" onto l2 just so that you could end l1 with "mounds."

    -S3, L3... I'm not sure what's going on here, but it sounds wrong. As fairies change their laughs to cry?? maybe?

    -S3, L7... Ill grace? I'm not sure what this is implying. But it sounds kind of strange. Like you did it for the rhyme alone.

    -S4, L5 is the only place where you don't keep with the rigid rhyme scheme. It sticks out.

    -I'm not sure the significance of writing SAMHAIN and BELTANE in all-caps. It's not like they're hiding or anything.



    Overall........ My subjective thoughts are these:
    You paint some vivid images, as far as all these ghoulish characters go. Also, I can't say I hate the rhyme, which is a new experience for me. But I'd suggest trying not to define what you say based on a rhyme (for example ill-grace...). I'm not saying you should forgo the rhyme to say what needs to be said, but there's the rub, eh? Getting rhymed and metered pieces to flow cohesively while still being coherent and interesting.

    This feels like it's close to complete coherence.
    | Posted on 2008-11-14 00:00:00 | by trouble | [ Reply to This ]


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